Let me point out that to the average person losing a follower would be a small set-back, but to humor bloggers it is tantamount to a slap in the face, a swift kick in the ass, or (dare I say) sticking it where the sun don't shine.
We are a sensitive people, we bloggers. In our profiles we talk a big line about how we write "simply to please ourselves." But in reality, WTF are we saying? Get real! We obviously blog because
WE WANT ATTENTION!
Maybe we didn't get enough attention from our parents at home, from our teachers at school, or from the pedophile next door. (I admit, I've spent many hours talking to my therapist about this.) But one thing is clear... we crave attention and we crave it BIG! Oh, baby, baby... give it to me one more time! Pour some of that bloggy love on me!
So while we may be laughing on the outside, inside a little piece of us dies every time our follower numbers go down. (Not that we're checking our stats hourly or anything like that.) And we keep asking ourselves "Why?" Was it something we said? Duh! Of course it was something we said! (Not to mention the fact that it has come to my attention that there are some new dress codes being imposed by certain bloggers... you might want to rethink that, Nanodance.)
If only we could sit down and talk with those of you out there who have rejected us, we could figure out where we went wrong. But, sadly, we don't always know who you are. (Unless we're so over the top with OCD that we log each and every follower and cross-reference the list according to height, weight, religion, marital status, political leanings, income level, hotness level, number of children, occupation and so on. But I would never do such a thing.)
Anyway.... since it would be virtually impossible to identify our lapsed followers and HUNT THEM DOWN and TAKE THEM OUT just to give them a lesson, the next best thing would be to send out a generalized apology that will hopefully reach the millions out there whom we have offended in some way.
To ease this process of apology, I'm sharing with you a document that will make your lives easier. I know this will be of vital importance to you. Here it is....
See how simple it is... you can apologize for any faux pas... no matter how small or large. Simply fill in the blanks and post it on your site for all to see. I can guarantee your follower numbers will not only remain steady, but continue grow. Please, no need to thank me. (Although I will point out that my PayPal information is listed in my profile for your convenience.)Let me close with this heartfelt personal apology:
Dear Lapsed Followers,
I'm sorry for anything untoward that I've ever said or done that offends you but if you can't accept my apology, then screw you since you were probably just a spammer anyway! I couldn't care less what you think!
Sincerely, CatLadyLarew
Sincerely, CatLadyLarew
