Fortune Cookie Friday #3 : Don't Mess With Me!

I had great intentions of posting some stuff for Fortune Cookie Friday this week. But then I went over to Nanodance's house to do some blogging with her and she got me distracted by her "comment bombing" mania. She really got out of control... she made me laugh so hard that I started coughing and couldn't stop. I hate when that happens. Then I complained that my computer was being slow, so Nanodance suggested I disable my cookies and she even showed me how to do it and then all of a sudden I started getting all these emails... 562 to be precise. So I spent the next hour going through my emails from the past 2 years, identifying and deleting all the ones that mysteriously got re-sent, which I resented.

Before you know it, we'd gone through a whole bottle of wine and then Vlad was calling me on my cell phone asking what was for dinner and could I stop and bring him something on the way home. I had to mainline a Dr. Pepper so I'd be fit to drive. What a night! Do we know how to have a good time on a Friday night, or what? ("Or what" is the appropriate answer here.) At least since I had such a good time, that can count for Happy Hour Friday!

Anyway, here it is Saturday and I'm now a day behind. No worries, though. As they say, better late than never.


So, one of the fortunes that popped up recently on my fortune cookie widget was:

"You are never bitter, deceptive or petty."

Could've fooled me! You have no idea. I look like a kind, generous, loving person on the outside. But on the inside? Funny thing about those of us who are door mats... while we're busy letting people walk all over us, we are actually building up a whole lot of anger and resentment on the inside. It's like magma churning below the surface of the earth until it finally starts bubbling up and creating pressure. Woe betide the person who gets near us when that all boils over. All of a sudden we explode, pulling the rug out from under all the people who've been walking all over us...

Bitch attack!

Not a pretty sight! Kinda like Detective Mittens when he keeps getting the wrong order from the take out restaurant. You just don't want to be around us when that happens! So, I'm warning you! STAY AWAY!

Stupid fortune cookie!

Fortune Cookie Friday #2

Funny that Otin should start Happy Hour Friday just when I get the idea to do Fortune Cookie Friday.  I guess great minds think alike.  So, what I might do is alternate between the two... or if I feel particularly inspired... and bored... I'll do both.  I make no promises to anyone!  Ever!  In fact, maybe I won't do either one some Fridays.  (Like if I ever get a real, paying job and don't have as much time to blog anymore.)  You'll just have to wait and see!

But this week I'm still unemployed and bored, so you get both.

My favorite fortune this week is...

A good rest is half the work.

I like that one so much, it's become my job hunting mantra.  Must rest and contemplate the nature of the universe so that I will instinctively know when the right time is to venture out into the working world.  Of course, with all the time I'm spending resting it leaves little time for job hunting.  

But that's my fortune... my karma... my path toward cosmic consciousness.  I must follow what the fortune cookie says!

Must be time for another nap.

Fortune Cookie Friday + Happy Hour Friday = Perfection!

Wouldn't you know, I wrote the post below and then went over to Otin's blog and noticed he was doing Happy Hour Friday, which coincided perfectly with what I had written... so I decided to link the two, which makes me happy!


Okay, so it's Friday and I clicked on my fortune cookie widget, which provided me the following words of "wisdom":

Remember, being happy is not always being perfect.

Hell, if that's true, I should be ecstatic. I should be gleefully floating on air. I should be dancing on happy feet. I should be cavorting in the meadow with Hickory the Wonder Dog.

Because I'm never perfect! I mean never! Really, I'm serious! I know you must find that hard to believe. But, the good news is... that means there's hope for happiness at the CatLady's house.

In a perfect world I would stay happy forever, but now I'm worried that the truth is exactly as the fortune says. If everything was perfect, would I know that I was happy? Would happiness be diluted if I was never UN-happy? Oh, no! WTF? This is beginning to sound like an exercise in Zen philosophy... ack!

My problem right now is that I actually am very happy. I'm happy not going to work. I'm happy reading blogs all day long. I'm happy drinking gallons of coffee in the morning and mainlining Dr. Pepper in the afternoon. I'm happy watching Dexter and other mindless drivel on DVD. I'm happy playing Apples to Apples and other games. I'm happy hanging out and drinking wine with Nanodance and my other friends. I'm happy having pajama day every day.

Sooner or later, though, I'm going to have to go out and seek gainful employment, which means there will be hassles and stupid people to deal with and long hours and waking up at night worrying about some project that's gone wrong. And then I won't be happy anymore. I can't help myself. Because I'm so disorganized, I have to over-compensate by being uber organized at work, which means I have to keep up the facade of being a competent person, which is so very exhausting.

Plus, I really hate perfect people. I hate people who have perfect hair and perfect children and perfect spouses and perfect houses and perfect pets and perfect jobs. They're just so annoying! It's like Lance & Melanie. We used to get Christmas letters from these distant relatives, whose kids were always perfect. They used up two pages of paper, telling us all about the awards and good grades and perfect teeth and perfectly polite manners of these perfect children. It got to be that at our house the names Lance & Melanie were synonymous with obnoxious prigs. (And since Lance & Melanie are so perfect, they would never condescend to read a blog like this, so I think I'm relatively safe from slander suits.)

So, why do we spend so much time and energy trying to pretend we're perfect, when perfect people are such obnoxious prigs? Happily, the answer is, I don't try to be perfect anymore. And none of my friends do either. Which is why I like my friends so much. And why I like my cyber-bloggy-friends so much. Because we're rude and irreverent and obnoxious and fun! That makes me happy... and happily less than perfect. Which means I'm probably going to hell, but that's okay. I'll have lots of friends there.

Bad Things! Bad Things!

I got a little sidetracked this week. If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you may have discerned that I used to be the director of a small school and I was one of the most popular kids there, what with the rubber chickens and all. But I didn't particularly care for all of the grown-up things I had to do, so I decided I'd rather go back to the classroom and leave the directing to someone who knows what they're doing. Great plan! All spring I kept getting more and more excited as I came closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.

And then I added the fortune cookie widget to my blog. (Look left, as they say in the UK.) It's always fun to click on the cookie to see what my fortune is for the day.... in fact, I've even considered starting a "Friday Fortune" blog theme, listing of the best of the week.

But then, I got this fortune:

The light at the end of the tunnel could mean bad things.

Bad Things? Bad Things? What bad things?

Last Friday I finally figured out what the bad things were. It seems that when I took over the directorship of the school, I lost my seniority as a teacher... which meant that when it came time to give out assignments last week, I was at the bottom of the list... which meant there wasn't a spot for me after all. The only position left was one for which I'm not certified. Which meant I'd suddenly become unemployed... two weeks before school starts. I have an idea....

Let's Panic!

Damn fortune cookie! I know this never would have happened had I not tempted fate by adding that widget.

So, as I started out saying, I got a little sidetracked this week. I had thought I'd be getting my classroom ready for the kidlets, but now I'm getting my resume ready for the grownups instead.

The surprising thing is, I'm not panicking... at least not yet. What do you suppose that means? I figure it's a sign from the Fortune Cookie Goddess that I'm supposed to be moving on. Or maybe it means I'm supposed to apply for a job at the Fortune Cookie Store.com. I bet I could write fortunes that are a lot better than the ones they have now. I could even personalize them for all my friends. And maybe they'd give me all the fortune cookies I could eat. They even come in cool (but unappetizing) colors:

So let's try out some of these fortunes out:

JD will do things so you don't have to.

You will meet a tall, dark, nonamedufus.

You are quirkier than a quirkyloon.

Beware the wrath of Indigo.

Lightning never strikes Callithump Thunderblog.

You will get lost in Maugeritaville.

You are being followed by nanny goats in panties.

You can stay sane without drugs.

If you can't be quiet, go wait in the van.

Good things will happen if you become a cat lady.

Get busy... Blogs don't write themselves.

At least now I'll have more time to keep up with all the blogs I follow. That's the way the fortune cookie crumbles!