Sunday, April 6, 2014

"Wooters' Hooters" or "That time when my boob went to Florida without me"

I took another little detour from life recently, thanks to the wonders of modern medicine. For three weeks, no matter the weather, (and there WAS weather,) I faithfully showed up at the Lipson Cancer Center every morning at 8:15 for radiation treatment.

Let me tell you, it's all fun and games at the radiation department. You get to get tattoos, get naked, (well, partially,) and chill out to some pretty radical light shows. I was affectionately know as "Woot" by Sam, Paul & Amanda, the radiation technicians. They were quick to tell me I had "the best name, EVER!" I'm guessing it tickled their fancy to say they were treating Wooters' Hooters.

Anyway, I'd lay down on the table, put my arms above my head, and after lining things up with my new tattoos, they'd start drawing circles and X's on my boob with a sharpie to show where to shoot those ray beams. After they were done, they'd scurry out of the room and I'd lay perfectly still while the monster machine rotated around me and zapped the hell out of my boob.  

Basically easy and painless. No side effects other than a bit of fatigue, so I continued working full-time throughout the treatments.  

About a week after I "graduated" my boob began to get tender and change color, just as the doctor told me it would. Yes, my cancer boob started to look like it went to Florida without me. I slathered it with aloe vera lotion which helped a bit.  Next it got all raw and wearing a bra became impossible. Once that phase was over, I developed thick, dark, leathery skin all around the nipple and things started to itch.  Good times.

Now things are pretty much back to normal. For the time being anyway. Next up on the schedule... anti-estrogen meds for the next five years. Common side effects from those... same as menopause symptoms, particularly hot flashes. Been there, done that so I know what it feels like. It will seem like Florida in August all over again. Oh joy, oh rapture.

So look out world... my inner bitch is ready to rock and roll!

Friday, February 28, 2014

On the Road with 30M2DoW: Final Episode

T.S. Eliot was sadly mistaken.  April is not the cruelest month.

February had been brutal.  I spent the entire month trying to outrun Nicky Eff, perpetrator of the most heinous crime to hit the internet this decade.

In the end, to resist had been futile.  Nicky had me dead to rights, right there in the hydrangeas.  There was nothing for it... I had to write something for her 30 Minus 2 Days of Writing challenge.  That was the only way to get her to leave me in peace.  (And get my clothes back.)

But wait...  from out of the shadows stepped another figure, this one in a trench coat and fedora.  Yes, it was Jack Gouda.  Ever the gentleman, he took off his trench coat and handed it to me, saying, "Here, toots, put this on. Don't embarrass yourself any further, eh?"  (I noted that he didn't think that Katherine and Reffie should be at all embarrassed.)

"Please," I said.  "Put me out of my misery!  You're the only one who can."

With that, Gouda drew his .44 Magnum from his holster and leveled it at me.

And then my brain exploded.

Out spewed every single one of the prompts Nicky had listed for the 30 Minus 2 Days of Writing challenge.  And each one plastered itself onto the laptop Nicky was so conveniently holding.

Not only that... Henry, Max, Dufus, Maryse, Bud, Linda, Jayne, Margaret, Ramon, Reffie, Cooter and the gang, Katherine... they were all there.

Yes, Nicky finally succeeded in having her way with me and it would be a long time before I recovered from the trauma.

So take it from me, dear readers... the next time someone invites you to participate in a writing challenge, be afraid.  Be very afraid!

And don't say I didn't warn you.

Never to be continued.... I hope.

* * * * * * * * *

Now, get yourself over to the Cheese Shack one last time to see who else participated in the 2nd/3rd Annual 30 Minus 2 Days of Writing extravaganza.  (And while you're there, order up a commemorative t-shirt from P.J.!)

Thursday, February 27, 2014

On the Road with 30M2DoW: Episode 27

How did you find out?

There we were, Katherine, Reffie and I, laughing hysterically in the hydrangeas.  We had no idea how we were going to get home without any clothes, not to mention the fact that we had no idea where in the hell we were.  All we did know was that we didn't much care what anyone thought of us anymore.

Maybe it was the anticipated end of this interminable writing challenge that was making us giddy. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to come up with something profound (or even stupid) to say about a prompt thought up by someone you've never even met, day after day after day after day after day?

Just as we were catching our collective breath again, there was a voice from outside the foliage.

"Looking for these?"

Our clothes were being dangled over our heads.  Worse, next to our clothes was Axe-Murderer-Fake-Barbie!

Oh, no!  It couldn't be!  And yet it was...


"How did you find out where I was this time?" I moaned.

To be continued...

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There aren't too many more chances to see who actually agreed to participate in the 30 Minus 2 Days of Writing challenge.  Head over to We Work for Cheese before it's too late!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

On the Road with 30M2DoW: Episode 22, 23, 24, 25, 26... Whatever

There we were, nearing the end of the 30 Minus 2 Days of Writing challenge and I had yet to succumb to to Nicky's demand that I participate.  Although I was perturbed with Nicky's persistence in trying to track me down, I had to admit it had been a blast hanging out with some of the folks out there along the way.  So much drama, though...

I kept telling myself, "It's only a dream."  It wasn't possible that Nicky would continue to show up in so many places.  And yet is seemed every time I turned around, there she'd be again!

There are things you don't do... attach threatening notes to hunks of cheese, send your kid to  demolish cars and kidnap people, become a peeping Nicky, show up at a dinner party unannounced.  I mean, really... how gauche!  Then again, maybe it's just a Canadian thing.

After the "lost weekend" at the Rack 'n Roll, it was time to move on before Nicky saw Ramon's light display on social media and figured out where I was again.  So Reffie, Henry and I headed east.  (Ramon stayed behind as Ethyl hired him on as the full time lighting specialist at the Rack 'n Roll.)

We didn't stop until we hit the Outer Banks where we ran into Katherine.  We were sitting out on Corolla Beach, enjoying some beers and a few shots of tequila when I mentioned to Katherine how exhausted I was from this whole ordeal. And then she said, maybe we should go all Axe-Murderer-Fake-Barbie on Nicky's ass.  Sort of like a "Chucky" remake thing.  "Or at least steal her shoes," offered Reffie, "She can't go anywhere without her bitchin' shoes."

(If Fake Barbie can go this bad ass with nails, imagine what she could do with an axe.)
The more we drank, the better our ideas sounded.  We were walking along the beach, talking and laughing and thinking up stupid stuff to do to Nicky.  The weather had turned unseasonably warm, so we shed our shoes and sweaters.  One thing led to another and before we knew what happened, we were naked and lost.

To be continued...

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Now that I've caught you up with what's been happening on the road, head over to We Work for Cheese to catch up with the bonafide participants of this writing extravaganza.

Monday, February 24, 2014

On the Road with 30M2DoW: Episode 21

Yes, I made that

It turned out that we spent four days with the gang down at the Rack 'n Roll.  When I finally crawled out from under the pool table, I stumbled outside into the parking lot.  There, above the Rack 'n Roll was the most astonishing display I had ever seen.

"This is for you, Nicky!" was emblazoned in Christmas tree lights along with this image...

Ramon stepped up behind me and whispered, "Yes, I made that."

I don't think I have ever loved a man more than I did Ramon at that moment.

To be continued. . .

* * * * * * * * *

Follow the pointing finger over to We Work for Cheese to see who is all caught up with Nicky's prompts for the 30 Minus 2 Days of Writing challenge.

On the Road with 30M2DoW: Episode 20


When we walked into the Rack 'n Roll, the scene we saw before us was total chaos.  There was yelling, there was kissing and there was crying babies.  Some woman named Vera was caterwauling about losing an election while everyone else ignored her.

We had picked up Reffie on the way to the Rack 'n Roll and she insisted that even Evil Twin never behaved that badly.

Hard to imagine.

Another woman, name of Ethyl, was giving me the evil eye until she saw I was with Ramon. Somehow that seemed to calm her.  Funny, though, because usually Ramon has the opposite effect on women.

The only thing that was missing was a guy in a trench coat and fedora.

I walked up to the first person I saw and introduced myself.  Turned out it was Cooter, the new mayor.

"Cooter," I said, "My name's Boom Boom and this here's Reffie and this other one here's Ramon. We're on the lam from some dame named Nicky and we need to know if we can lay low here in your town for a few days."  (I made up for the lack of the guy in the fedora with my 30's pool hall lingo.) "Ramon here can pay for our keep in Christmas tree lights, if'n you've got mind to put some message in lights."

To be continued...

* * * * * * * * *

Yeah, yeah... so I missed a few days!  Last thing I knew I was talking to Cooter and the next thing I knew I woke up under a pool table.  Dang!  I hate when that happens!  The next few episodes will be along shortly.  Now, get on over to the Cheese Shack to see what everyone else has been up to while I've been out of commission!

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

On the Road with 30M2DoW: Episode 19

Tastes like chicken

I ran out of the House of Many Dogs so quickly, I almost forgot one of the dogs.  I ran back in just long enough to thank Linda and Alex for the hospitality and to grab Henry, (along with one of the knives from the little green man.)

Ramon, (Linda's Paraguayan next door neighbor that she had been trying to set me up with,) was out washing his car and stopped me as I ran past.  He said he'd take me anywhere I wanted to go, so we hopped in his car and took off.

Ramon had just whipped up a bunch of asado with achuras, so we had something to eat along the way. I'd never had asado with achuras, but Ramon assured me it was delicious.  I asked if it tasted like chicken, but Ramon said, no, that it was made with organ meats. Organ meats?  Uh, no thank you! Ramon may be a hunk, but his idea of a hunk of meat to use for cooking was suspect.  At least it looked better than poutine.

But I digress... we still had to figure out where to go.

I had learned from Linda that, (in addition to being a hunk,) Ramon was an expert at stringing Christmas lights. Things in the Christmas light business were slow at the moment.  I think it was the time of year.  But Ramon had heard there was a place down Texas way that needed some lights strung. A place called the Rack 'n Roll.

Sounded like as good a place as any to head next.

To be continued...

* * * * * * * * *

Ramon and I may be on the road awhile, so grab some asado and head on over to We Work for Cheese to see who is participating in 30 Minus 2 Days of Writing today.

On the Road with 30M2DoW: Episode 18


The last thing I screamed at  said to Nicky as I ran out the door of the House of Many Dogs was....

"There are no rules?"

Participate only when and if you feel like it.
We won't hate on anybody who decides not to play.
We certainly won't hunt you down and drag you back to your computer if you decide not to participate...

Sure, Nicky!  Sure you won't do those things!

Better watch out... your pants are smoking!

Lies and the Lying Liars that Tell Them
...I think Al Franken had Nicky in mind when he wrote that book.

To be continued...

* * * * * * * * *

Yeah, I'm a day late and a dollar short on this one.  So shoot me.  I'm on the run again, so while you're waiting to see where I'll surface next, stop over at We Work For Cheese to see how everyone else is faring.

Monday, February 17, 2014

On the Road with 30M2DoW: Episode 17

I faked it

Bud had become a boon companion, but I was starting to feel like American beer and driving a big rig in the snow were not my cup of tea. So I had Bud drop Henry and I off at the nearest airport. I left the axe with Bud since TSA is not so accommodating when it comes to weapons.

Without the axe, I knew I would need a place that would be welcoming... and warm.  There was only one place that fit the bill.

The House of Many Dogs. Yes, we were off to see Zoe, Harry, Alex and Linda.  Henry and I would feel right at home there. Linda even had a good substitute for the axe.

That Linda's my kind of woman!

The only problem I could foresee was that Linda adores Nicky. I had to be careful what I said in front of her.  It was hard to keep talking about how wonderful Nicky is, (I faked it,) but I managed to steer the conversation away from such volatile subjects for the better part of the first evening.

The next day was splendid.  Linda and Alex took me all over town.  (With Zoe, Harry & Henry tagging along.)  I'd been meaning to visit for years and was so glad I finally made it to the west coast.  In fact, I almost forgot about why I was there in the first place.

Now that Linda had a fabulous new kitchen, she and Alex decided to make me a gourmet dinner at home and invite a few friends over.

We'd already been through two bottles of California wine when there was a knock on the door...

Jayne!  (of the size 4 ass)  Margaret!  (of the goats)  Oh, happy day!  Two of my other favorite bloggers!  This was going to be a fabulous night!

We'd just opened our fifth bottle of wine when there was another knock on the door.

Oh, crap!  Please tell me it wasn't true!

I was in big trouble!

To be continued...

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Head on over to the Cheese Shop to see who's participating in the 30 Minus 2 Days of Writing challenge today.  And please... take Nicky with you!

Sunday, February 16, 2014

On the Road with 30M2DoW: Episode 16

Shakespearean English

As I'm on the road looking for a new place to hide out from Nicky, today's installment of On the Road with 30M2DoW is being brought to you by none other than Vlad... my progeny.  Enjoy!  (I know I did.)

As we were preparing to cross the border, I began to make small talk with Bud.  “So, what brought you all the way up here?”

“Well, I’ll tell you…these Canadians…always trying to act proper…like they invented the English language or somethin’!  I tell ya!  Us Boomer folk have had an axe to grind with them ever since the war of 1812.”

He continued, “My great great great great grandfather was killed while serving in the New York Militia defending Grand Island.”

I inquired, “So what, are you going to declare a one man war on Canada or something?”

“I tried that back in 1995, but both Clinton and Pataki said I didn’t have the authority! They didn’t know what they were talkin’ about!  I was the highest ranking Law Enforcement Officer in Niagara County!  But I’ve done one better this time!—I’ve sabotaged their Shakespearean English!”

Bud was starting to come across as rather strange by now, yet I was intrigued to find out more.  “What do you mean?”

“I made it back to Toronto to settle one last score.  This time with Maple Leaf Inc., the largest publisher of Canadian materials…always spelling words all messed up…like fav-OUR, col-OUR, you hear?”

“Yes, that is the way they spell in Shakespearean English”

“Well I infiltrated their corporate building, hacked into their network and performed a spell check on every single file they had…with an American version of Microsoft Word that I was able to download onto the server!”

“That will definitely make things hard for them!”

“And without their Shakespearean English, they will be so demoralized!”

The topic quickly changed to something insignificant and I thought it to be nothing more than the crazy ramblings of a conspiracy-theorist type.  We crossed into the States without incident and before I knew it, Bud was pulling into a rest stop.

“I gotta check on my load, I’ll be right back!”

Fifteen minutes went by, so being curious to see what Bud was doing, I proceeded to the rear of the truck, where I found him rummaging through one of many boxes with maple leafs printed on the front of them.  Bud turned to me “Check this out”.  He chucked a paperback at me.  Not thinking fast enough, it bounced off me and landed on the ground, so I picked it up.

The title read “A Lot To Do About Not Very Much”.

To be continued....

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Head on over to Nicky's place to see who's actually writing their own post today and I'll catch up with you all tomorrow!
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