Monday, November 30, 2009

Now My House is Trying to Kill Me!

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that Thanksgiving weekend 2009 was like a roller coaster ride in which the ride going up was great and the part where you spiral down out of control kinda sucked.

Thanksgiving itself was pretty good. Much better than last year when a former co-worker of my ex turned up at the same dinner and proceeded to spend the evening asking me about my ex and his new sweet young thaing spouse and her daughter. (Like I freakin' care? Hell, at that point, I didn't even know what their last name was and hadn't a clue what her daughter's first name was!) Happily, this year we had dinner with some of our oldest and dearest friends who provided great food and plenty of levity. A lovely contrast!

Friday, Vlad and I escaped the shopping hoards of Black Friday to watch the Zombie hoards chase our heroes and heroines in Zombieland.

Anyway, I was fine until Saturday, when I discovered I only had $24 in my checking account to last until next Friday. So I decided to throw myself a major pity party. (Apologies for the total downer post on Saturday... I couldn't help myself.)

Late Saturday night I started cheering myself up by fleshing out my "Let's Go to Prison for Retirement" plan. (Getting back to my usual irreverent brand of humor.) And boy, have I gotten a lot of great suggestions for how to make that work! I can taste that prison food on my tongue already. Sure hope they have Dr Pepper at the prison store to wash it all down with. (Or maybe Quirky could bake a couple of cans into a cake for me when she comes to visit.) But I have yet to reconcile myself to the fact that there's no beer in prison... that might be a deal breaker.

Which brings us up to Sunday. Considering I still have to work until I come up with the perfect victimless crime, I decided to do a little planning for the wee ones. Which meant going up into the scary attic to look for some supplies. And there was some great swag to be found up there. All sorts of gems in the costume department, fabulous picture books galore, great fabric for making tents and my army surplus parachute for who knows what. I'd hit the Pre-Kindergarten mother lode! So, I loaded up my arms with as much booty as I could carry and started down the attic stairs.

That's when a book slipped from atop the pile and planted itself beneath my feet. At which point I fell to my knees on the steps, hurtling forward until I slammed my head against the wall at the bottom of the stairs.

Not good.
Now I'm convinced my house is trying to kill me!

Okay! Okay! So it wasn't really the house's fault, but in my present mood, I was ready to blame anyone or anything, including the four year old imps who provided the reason to go to the attic in the first place. Thank the goddess Vlad was home for the weekend and heard the crash and thud. And for once I actually threw off the mantle of the Midwest Martyr and said, "Take me to the Emergency Room". (The fact that my head was bleeding and my pupils were varying sizes kinda sealed that deal.)

But let's not get too carried away. I had Vlad drop me at the ER door and sent him on his merry way to study for the afternoon. I'd be "fine... just fine" by myself. Poor Vlad... later I found out he thought I was mad at him for tripping over the shit on the stairs... he thought it was his shit I tripped over. In all fairness, it's the house that's evil... and to be honest, we both contributed to the detritus placed there.

Of course, if you're going to go to the ER, I suggest going on the Sunday afternoon after Thanksgiving. By that time all the people who got food poisoning from undercooked turkey or stabbed in the hand by their cousin because they were trying to take the last dinner roll have all been discharged. I've gotta say I was a little disappointed, though, when I wasn't greeted by these guys....

No dishy Doug Ross or Peter Benton to hold my hand while I got a CT scan of my head and multiple x-rays of my knee? I feel so cheated. I would have settled for Neela or Abby, (both hot chicks.) Even NGIP got to meet Anthony Edwards earlier this fall and she didn't have a head injury or anything. No fair!

The good news is I have no brain bleed, but I'm supposed to take it easy for a couple of days... and have someone check in with me every four hours to make sure I'm lucid. Since I live alone, I'll just have to set my alarm clock and wake myself up... I can always write the questions I need to ask myself on a post-it note next to the bed.

The bad news is I have an avulsion fracture on my knee... don't know if it's new or a remnant from when I tore my ACL and MCL about five years ago. They sent me home with another "immobilizer" and crutches... then it's back to see the orthopedist later in the week. Oh joy, oh rapture! (But, seriously... do you think this immobilizer makes my leg look fat?)

Yes, that's a pizza box next to my foot... since I was incapacitated Vlad went on a pizza run so I wouldn't starve.

Looking at the sunny side... maybe this will prompt them to do something to alleviate the chronic pain I have in my knee. Maybe my house isn't trying to kill me after all... maybe it's just trying to tell me something.


Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I say set your house on fire. That'll teach it a lesson or two. I'm also adding the Sunday after Thanksgiving as the best day to hit the ER since I hate crowds.

Anonymous said...


IndigoWrath said...

Hey CatLady! Well dammit, this is a day of bad news. Shocked and worried to hear about your relentless murderous house, but relieved that you're in one piece... for the moment! *cue psycho music* Take it easy this week, and ask yourself "do I want a pepper" every four hours just to check you're still "sane". Indigo

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

that just sucks. sounds like it could have been the perfect end to my weekend though...pass the pain pills, will ya?

The Peach Tart said...

sorry about the ER trip. That always sucks. Hope things work out for you this week. Drink more Pepper.

Moooooog35 said...

I stubbed my toe this morning, so I totally feel your pain.

CatLadyLarew said...

Margaret: Good idea. Then I could go to prison for arson... an added bonus!

lacyjpyburn: My sentiments, exactly!

Indigo: Thanks for your pity! Please send more Dr Pepper & psycho music! I actually did wake myself up in the night... too far to go for a DP, though, at that hour. (Damn crutches!) Maybe I should get one of those little refrigerators next to my bed. My friend, Ann, made me call her as soon as I woke up this morning to make sure I wasn't dead!

Lee: What was I thinking? I turned down the heavy duty drugs... but I can pass you some Advil. I feel worse pain-wise today, so that might have been a mistake. OOPS! I'm starting to find more bumps and bruises today.

Peachy: I shall do my best to drink plenty of fluids... although my discharge papers say no alchohol. Damn! And I'm down to my last 3 cans of Dr Peppers. Could be a crisis situation soon.

CatLadyLarew said...

Moooooog: A fellow sufferer... I'll send a Dr Pepper.

nonamedufus said...

Sorry to hear about you fracturing your detritus. Hope you're up and around soon.

Anonymous said...

Oh if only you did it last year at that party you could have sued. Hmm, maybe suing is a better option than prison. I hear bowling alleys are deathtraps, worth a try! You might have to get your head caught in a pinsetting machine, but that is a small price to stay out of prison!
As for that house, I'd be watching your back if I were you! I have read enough Stephen King books to know it doesn't sound good!!!!

willow said...

Hey, maybe it's not the house, but the ghosts that live in it? Yikes. Sorry to hear about your mishap. Feel better soon, my friend.

The Old Silly said...

"Maybe my house isn't trying to kill me after all... maybe it's just trying to tell me something."

LOL, well just maybe you'd better listen! Loved this post and your humor, as always.

The Old Silly

Maelstrom said...

I hate to be insensitive but this BBQ sandwich I'm eating for lunch is ridiculous. I wish I had 2 more of them. Seriously, aren't you supposed to store up your fat reserves for the winter?

I do hope you recover quickly.

Randomization said...

Aww, sorry to hear about your injury =[

Get well soon!

Anonymous said...

Eeek! Catlady!

I feel your pain re: ERs. I abhor ERs. I don't care what the doctors look like. Well wait a minute if one looked like Vampire Edward, I might enjoy it a wee bit more.

It sure would be a much more pleasant way to give them the blood the usually require!

*wagging eyebrows*


And of course, I'll bake you a Dr. Pepper cake! Anytime GF!

I loved the "This Way to Death!"

That got me! LMBO!

Me-Me King said...

Ohhhhh, ouch! Bless your heart, I'm so sorry that you fell and go boom.

I'll be back in 4 hours to check on you.

Maelstrom said...

It's been more than 4 hours since your last post. Come back and comment so we know you're not in a coma.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

UGH! Sorry you're hurt! Some advice: alcohol and pain pills = lots of!

Summer said...

That sucks, Ladybug. If I was closer, I'd bring you some soup. I'm sorry things are yucky right now!

ReformingGeek said...

Dang, Woman! I am so sorry you are hurt but I LUV that positive attitude about the chronic pain.

Also, don't you realize those crutches are also an open door?

Think weapons....

I just called your ex. He's on his way over. Quick. Re-rig the house and get those crutches ready....

Take care!

CatLadyLarew said...

Dufus: The detritus spewed all down the attic steps is looking a little worse for wear.

frigginloon: Good think I never installed that bowling alley in the basement!

Willow: Ghosts? That must be it! They must have knocked the books out of my hand to make me trip!

Marvin: I'm listening! I'm listening! What it's saying is, "Clean up all this crap, would ya?"

Maelstrom: Please put BBQ in envelope and mail it to me. My leg may be fat, but at least the immobilizer is adding insulation for winter.
Oh, and I'll be sure to check in every 4 hours so people don't think I've met my demise. Am I coherent... questionable.

Randomization: It makes me feel better just to know you stopped by!

Quirky: I confess, I stole the house picture from some other schmuck on the internet... it just seemed so perfect I couldn't help myself. I sure hope they track me down and put me in prison for stealing it! Looking forward to the DP cake and your visit!

Me-Me: Me fall down go boom big-time! Back in 4!

Bird Shit & Baby Caca: I declined the heavy duty drugs so I could get back to alcohol sooner! I'm spacey enough as it is without Vicodin.

Summer: The good thing about having a shitty week is that the next week will be an improvement!

Reffie: Tee Hee... you crack me up! Wanna come help take him out? I do have two crutches, you know!

spudballoo said...

OH NO!!!!! Cry, you poor thing xxxx

JD at I Do Things said...

OW ow ow ow OW!

I'm glad you're OK. Well, except for your leg. At least your appetite is unaffected.

"I can always write the questions I need to ask myself on a post-it note next to the bed."

BWAH! I'm totally stealing that if I ever have a concussion.

CatLadyLarew said...

spud: I confess I shed a few tears... not from pain, but from feeling like such a total ass!

JD: It worked... I woke up at 3 a.m., looked at the note & figured if I could read it and not ask, "What the hell is this post-it doing stuck to my clock?" I must be okay.

otin said...

What hurt more, the leg or the 24 bucks to last a week?? I live like that a lot! Break a leg!!! Oh, wait, you did, sorry! hahaha!

otin said...

Seriously, though, I hope that you feel better.

Stephanie said...

Sorry you're hurt and struggling $$ wise.

Me-Me King said...

Just checking in to see if you need a Dr. Pepper or something.....have a nice evening.

gayle said... sorry to hear about your fall...I bet you are pretty sore and write!!

rxBambi said...

Oh no! Hope you get back to feeling better soon. Maybe you should burn the books...

ps- the immobilizer does NOT make your leg look fat!

CatLadyLarew said...

Otin: I think the fall and the shortage of funds are definitely connected! Fortunately, both only hurt for a little while, but the response of so many friends makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

Stephanie: Thanks for the kind thoughts!

MeMe: Thanks for checking in... my friend, Susan, brought me some DP, so life is worth living again!

rxBambi: Burning the books could be part of the exorcism of the evil spirits that seem to be lurking. My new beauty spot this morning is a black eye... strange it took so long for that to appear!

mo.stoneskin said...

One terrible day the Zombie hoards and the Black Friday shops will be combined into a deadly display of Zombie materialism.

CatLadyLarew said...

Mad Dog: It's the Zombies, I tell you! That's what's wrong with this country. Zombie materialism messing it up for the rest of us!

Jeanne said...

That sounds absolutely terrifying. I fell off the step-ladder while painting over the weekend -- just a short fall with a couple of bruises, but the time as I was rushing toward the ground seemed to stretch out endlessly.

I've read your later posts, so I know you're (kind of) okay, thank goodness!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Two things leap to mind:

1) Since you only have $24 left, I guess it'd be a waste of my time to ask you for a loan, huh?

2) Isn't this your second fall in about a month? I went through a couple of years in which I kept falling and twisting my ankle or breaking my leg. Then I switched shoes. Been OK ever since.

Sorry your life has sort of sucked for the last little while. It will get better. Probably. I'm not really an optimist. But it could, so hang in there.

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