I'll Have What She's Having....

Remember Meg Ryan's fake orgasm in When Harry Met Sally?  

This story posted on Yahoo News must top that:

Woman risks jail for noisy sex

Friday, January 22 04:37 pm

Caroline Cartwright has been given an eight-week prison term suspended for 12 months -- meaning if she engages in over-noisy coupling again in the next year she will immediately be jailed.
"I've heard a very short extract of the noise you make and can well see that your neighbours would be upset and distressed by this," said judge Beatrice Bolton at Newcastle Crown Court.
Cartwright was served with a civil order over marathon romps with husband Steve, described in court as "unnatural" and "like they are both in considerable pain."
Neighbours at their home in Washington, south of Newcastle, had complained about the noise -- as did passers-by and the neighbourhood letter carrier.
Cartwright was served with an anti-social behaviour order, but admitted at a previous hearing to having violated it almost immediately, and repeatedly, last April.
At an earlier hearing the court was told that the local council set up special equipment in a neighbour's flat and recorded noise levels of 30-40 decibels, peaking at 47 -- as loud as a conversation in the same room.
Cartwright told the court she had tried to restrain herself.
"I did not understand why people asked me to be quiet because to me it is normal," she said, adding: "I have tried to minimise the situation by having sex in the morning - not at night - so the noise was not waking anybody.
"I may be sympathetic to it, but it is not something I am doing on purpose."

 Some women have all the luck!   

Now, if only I could use that for my "Let's Go to Prison" retirement plan. 

Let's Go to Prison!

So, about that retirement plan...

I've been thinking about this for some time. I decided long ago to pursue a teaching career in which I could follow my principles and personal philosophy rather going for the "big bucks" offered by the public sector. Which means I also gave up access to the pension fund. But I managed to tuck a little away for a rainy day and probably could have held out until social security kicked in. Then a few wrenches got thrown in the works.... spouse left for co-worker 20 years his junior so I now have no one with whom to share expenses or affections and I lost my "principled job" prematurely so my rainy day fund got used up long before retirement.

So, as I age and my prospects look a little bleaker, I started thinking about other ways to finance my golden years. Ideas came and went until I came up with my brilliant plan...

Number one on the retirement hit parade is now Let's Go to Prison!


Seriously! It actually sounds pretty good:

~You get a clean, dry place to sleep.
~You get three meals a day.
~You get someone else to pick out your clothes for you every day.
~You have access to the prison library for entertainment purposes.
~You can get another college degree, or two, or three.
~You can still blog with the internet access available.
~You get free medical care, compliments of the state.

Just one major dilemma... how to get there?

Now, this would seem like an easy thing to most people. Perhaps kill ex-spouse or his new bride... but I'm pretty well over that by now. Or steal the company funds... if only I worked in a place that had company funds. Ponzi schemes are probably out at this point in the game. Arson is a bit extreme... unless I burn down my own house, but then where would Vlad and the Wonder Dog sleep? Prostitution seems like just too much work and let's face it... I'm just not alluring enough anymore to attract customers. I'm too old to join the army and then desert. Shoplifting... yeah, that might work but then I'd just be shafting some other poor slob.

The biggest barrier to making this dream of going to prison a reality is that I wouldn't feel right doing something that would hurt someone else in order to get sent to prison. I'm far too nice for this scheme to work. Dang! I keep thinking about ways to get sent to prison that wouldn't hurt anyone and gosh darn it... I just can't come up with any.

But then, last month I heard about a grandfather in England who got arrested for shining a bright light at a military helicopter. (They accused him of trying to "dazzle" the pilot with the light.) That would work! I don't think it would hurt anyone to shine a light at a helicopter, would it?

Now all I need is to get somebody to fly this bad boy over my house..


I'm sure that if I could only get to prison, I could figure out a way to avoid early parole. That, in and of itself, could provide years of blog fodder.*

So, how about it... anybody else out there have any ideas for how I could go about getting into prison for my golden years?


*Of course, if only I were a real writer like Jayne, I could put this whole prison as retirement plan idea into a book or screenplay... isn't that what creative people usually do? Kind of like "Golden Girls Do Prison." In which case I could use that for my retirement plan. I call dibs!

I Got Plenty o' Nuttin

Now that Thanksgiving is over, I can stop being thankful for shit and get down to brass tacks.

It's slim pickins around the CatLady's house these days. Four months of unemployment with no unemployment benefits, followed by re-entry into the workplace at a salary less than half of what I was making before has put a bit of a strain on the old pocketbook. So, what to do, what to do?

I think what's really needed is an attitude adjustment:



Or not... the reality is, I do need a few basics to keep going. I've cut back a lot in the last year, preparing for my descent into poverty. Turns out, it still isn't enough, though. How can that be?

I've lived in the same house for over 20 years... so I can't save anything by moving. An apartment would cost more than my meager mortgage. (I had to refinance after the divorce, so I still have 10 more years of payments.)

My health insurance premiums are higher than my mortgage. That just seems wrong to me, but what's a woman to do? Can't really cut that out of the budget... too many "pre-existing conditions" and I love my "happy pills" too much.

Car... it's 15 years old with over 150K miles. Perhaps I can get by with fewer oil changes and repairs. It's still too far to walk to work.

Then there's the utilities. I've always kept the heat low... my dad used to yell at me that I was going to catch my death because of it. So far I'm still alive, but if I go much lower with the thermostat now that winter's upon us, I'm afraid the pipes will freeze. And I'm afraid I'd lose the few friends I have left if I stopped showering. (Good news, though... the advantage of bloggy friend is they can't smell you.)

Internet service... gotta keep that for communication purposes, at least until the computer craps out. Especially as there's no access at work. The basic cable may have to go, though. So must the ridiculously extravagant iphone... just as soon as the service contract is up. Damn service contracts! (I got the phone originally so I could keep track of appointments and things for my old job... the job that paid more, so I could afford it back then.)

Food... this fine physique could certainly do with a bit less. But give up the Dr Pepper? I might start twitching or something.

A second job? If only I had the energy.

I could get a room mate. Preferably one that cooks and cleans. Probably the smartest move. I wonder if Vlad would mind giving up his room?

Okay, enough feeling sorry for myself! If push comes to shove, I can always implement my secret retirement plan...

Prison is actually sounding kinda good right about now!

To be continued...