Stockings Inside of Stockings

Okay, how did it get to be the middle of December already? It seems like only yesterday it was Thanksgiving and then I was falling down the stairs and it's been pretty much of a blur ever since. I guess clunking yourself in the head can do that to you. But, enough of that whole business. I've graduated from crutches to a cane to walking on my own most of the time. Guess that means there are no more excuses for not getting into the holiday spirit.

Now that Vlad's gotten older I have to get a little more creative about holiday gifts. Not because he knows where I stash them and I need a better hiding place, but because he's the type of kid who doesn't ask for much. It used to be easier when he was little. Get him a whole mess of trains and Legos and stuff and he was happy as a clam. So far, all he's told me he wants this year is socks. Somehow I think it's going to be a real let down on Christmas morning if all he gets is a pair of socks in his Christmas stocking. Stockings inside of stockings.

Even my Christmas wish list is longer than that. I definitely need some more ideas... soon!
Because it's going to be really embarrassing if he gets me more gifts than I get him.

Bad mother! Bad mother!

Nerds Gone Wild: Theme Thursday #1

I thought I'd chime in for Theme Thursday, because this is such a great theme!

So, personalizing it a bit... here's a reprise from a previous post of what this nerd does when she goes wild:

So... who wants to come to my nerdy holiday party this year?

Happy Kamehameha Day!

Time to get out that hula skirt and the coconuts again!  

It's Kamehameha Day!  

Can you believe I almost missed this important national holiday?  Why wasn't it on the school calendar?  Surely it should be cause for celebration.

Now it's been a long time since I put on a hula skirt and somehow I think it might not be exactly what everyone's looking forward to seeing.... even if I ply them with perfect poi, a succulent roasted pig and fermented coconut juice.  

It just ain't happening!

So, kind readers, I'll just have to fashion little paper leis to put on the black construction paper cat silhouettes in the windows and call it a day.  Or perhaps Hickory the Wonder Dog can be convinced to wear a lei made of doggy biscuits.  

For now, I'm off to Blockbuster to see if they have Gidget Goes Hawaiian or Elvis's Blue Hawaii for my evening's entertainment.

Aloha!

(FYI... this cheesy illustration was stolen from a cheesy catalog on the web)

Happy Mother's Day!

Great news!  I'm not in Mommy Jail this Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all of you out there who have made it this far without throttling your children!  For myself, being Vladimir's mom is the best!  He has enriched my life immensely and I would have little to write about if it weren't for him.  

Happy Mother's Day as well to my own dear mother, who has yet to throttle me... although I'm sure she was tempted many times!  I'm sure I was the most irritating, confusing, annoying daughter in the world.  I started out sweet and kind and loving when I was little and then it was all downhill once I got to be about 12 years old.  Funny how that happens.  I've heard it has something to do with hormones.   (Thank GOD for having a boy child instead of one of the female persuasion!)

So... to all mothers everywhere... may your days be blessed with sloppy kisses, colorful little crayon drawings, bouquets of flowers picked from your own garden, handmade cards that may come a few days late,  and last minute phone calls from recalcitrant children like me who mean well, but forgot where they put the card that they bought weeks ago!

Happy Mother's Day to anyone who has ever loved a child who has come into their life!   In honor of the occasion, I'm giving you this coupon....

Get Out Of Mommy Jail Free Card

Compliments of

http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com/

 

This card to be used when you allow your child to do something so incredibly stupid that someone feels the need to contact the authorities.

No Questions Asked... Honest!

(We’ve all been there at one time or another.)

Earth Day!

As a confirmed cat lady, I plan to spend Earth Day sitting inside… in my sun room... with a cup of coffee… reading a book…  that’s not about anything "green".  

Don’t get me wrong, I love being outdoors… when it’s not raining, snowing, sleeting or hailing.  Unfortunately, those conditions make up a good portion of the year in friendly Upstate New York.  But I still love it here.  After all, there’s nothing like a good snow day!  Besides, if it's nice out all the time, what would I have to complain about?  (Cat ladys always need something to grouse about.)  All the crappy weather makes you really appreciate it when it finally becomes pleasant… then it’s spectacular!   Not too hot and not too cold for about 5 months.  It lasts just long enough for the Cat Lady to emerge from the hovel to rejuvenate before hibernating for the winter.  Earth Day signals the onset of the glory days… even if it is a little gloomy out today.  

So with it being Earth Day and all, maybe I'll go pick up dog poop in the back yard just to mark the occasion.  Fun times!  Or maybe I should just leave it as fertilizer for Mother Earth?  Now that sounds like a much better plan!  Always glad to help a girl out!  Happy Earth Day!

A Day Late and Postage Due

Valentine's Day is coming soon.   Someone just pointed that out to me today.  It's not one of my favorite "holidays".   Probably because I've never experienced the joy of getting a heart-shaped box of candy or a dozen roses of any color from a boy.   My older sister was the one to whom those deliveries were addressed.  I always watched with the hope that one day the delivery would be for me.  

As a kid I loved decorating a shoe box with pink and red crepe paper each year in the hope that my classmates would fill it full of valentines.  Back then the valentines were usually homemade. Red construction paper, doilies, glue and crayolas were the basic materials used to make them. (There's something really cool about the sound of kid scissors cutting through construction paper.  Very satisfying.)  Those who were really creative used glitter as well.  Of course there were also the candy hearts that some people would glue onto the cards.  Definitely not as tasty after being pried off the cards three months later, though.  Most exciting to find in your box were the heart-shaped cookies with pink frosting that some mothers would make with their children.  You were truly blessed if one of those ended up in your box.  Sadly, there weren't any rules back then about making sure you gave a card to everyone in the class.  Invariably there was some poor child who had noticeably fewer cards than the other children.  (Usually the kid whose box was a plain paper bag.)  While I never had the fewest, my box was never quite as full as others'.  It always made me a little sad.

As I got older, the girls I knew started getting frilly cards from boys in the mail.  However, the only time I ever got a valentine from a real live boy, it arrived a day late and postage due. Seriously!  I was in college at the time and apparently the young lad thought he was depositing the card into the campus mail box, which provides free delivery between campus buildings.  In actuality, the box he deposited the card into was one designated by the United States Postal Service for the collection of letters with stamps on them.  When you don't affix one of said colorful stamps onto the envelope, the dedicated men and women of the USPS go through rain or sleet or dark of night to find you a day later and demand payment for the service they have rendered by bringing the card to you.  Needless to say, I was not impressed by the young man's ardor.  (Or lack thereof.)  Especially as the card itself was extremely tacky, featuring a leering young man and including an equally distasteful sentiment written inside.  Yuck!   What a disappointment!

Years later, I still await the thrill of a well-appointed card, chocolates or flowers from a boy on Valentine's Day.  I'm not holding my breath, though.  If I get a postage-due slip from the post office in my mailbox on February 14, I think I'll just leave it there.

Note to self:

Lionel trains set up around tree... remind dog not to lick the third rail.  (Although this doesn't seem to bother the cat silhouettes.  They actually appear to be laughing.)

Christmas with the Cat Lady

So... here it is, December 23 and not only are the stockings NOT hung on the chimney with care, the tree is not yet in the house and there are no gifts wrapped in sparkly paper.  Either this is the home of a confirmed atheist or non-Christian, or there's something dreadfully amiss.  

Or, could it be that there's something far more sinister afoot?  

Perhaps this is a move to delay the biggest holiday of the year for blatant economic advantage?  (Something only a cat lady would think of.)   

Just imagine... your friends take pity on you because you just haven't found the time to enjoy the holidays as they SHOULD be enjoyed.  You let them know that your life has been far too traumatic to let you even THINK about preparing for the holidays.   You tell them your spouse has left you, you've just quit your job, all your retirement fund just went up in smoke with the economic downturn and the electric company has just turned off your heat for non-payment of your bill.  (Never mind the fact that the spouse left 4 years ago, so that's old news, you haven't really quit your job, you never had any money in a retirement account anyway, and both the heat and cable TV are still working fine, thank you very much... a cat lady's cable would never be disconnected!)  

Here's what happens...

~Your friends come shovel out your driveway for you so you don't have to be a shut in for Christmas.  

~They stop at the pharmacy to pick up and pay for your anti-depressants so that you will be in a good mood.

~They take you to the Boy Scout Christmas tree lot to buy you the last tree available at this late date.

~They all invite you to join them for Christmas dinner.  (So you don't have to cook.)

~They ply you with free alcohol to boost your spirits.  (And even send you home with an extra bottle for the New Year.)

~They spend the afternoon stringing popcorn and cranberries for you to take home to put on your spindly Christmas tree.  (What ever you do, don't let them see the lush fir you have waiting in the garage.)

~They buy you token gifts in an effort to help you feel better about yourself.  (So you don't have to buy all those gifts and wrap them up for yourself to pretend like you have friends and loved ones.)  Meanwhile, they refuse to allow you to get them anything, as you're so emotionally and financially destitute, thereby enabling you to maintain a healthy bank balance.

~By hitting up several friends, you can amuse yourself for the entire day and bring home enough Christmas dinner pity leftovers to eat for a week.  (Or more, if you have a large freezer.)

Once the festive day is over, you can happily return to your own abode, drag the hidden tree in from the garage and begin decorating.  By this time, all the stuff in the store is on sale so you don't have to spend as much for gifts, you can get festive holiday wrap for next to nothing, your fridge is nicely stocked and the pesky relatives have all gone back to their own homes without bothering you.  You can ring in the New Year, enjoying more peace, joy and prosperity than you ever could have, had you actually followed the traditional schedule.  

Isn't that what the spirit of Christmas is all about anyway?  

P.S.  If you are a friend, or know any of my friends, this is not really about me.  Please do invite me over for Christmas dinner!