Sunday, November 29, 2009

Let's Go to Prison!

So, about that retirement plan...

I've been thinking about this for some time. I decided long ago to pursue a teaching career in which I could follow my principles and personal philosophy rather going for the "big bucks" offered by the public sector. Which means I also gave up access to the pension fund. But I managed to tuck a little away for a rainy day and probably could have held out until social security kicked in. Then a few wrenches got thrown in the works.... spouse left for co-worker 20 years his junior so I now have no one with whom to share expenses or affections and I lost my "principled job" prematurely so my rainy day fund got used up long before retirement.

So, as I age and my prospects look a little bleaker, I started thinking about other ways to finance my golden years. Ideas came and went until I came up with my brilliant plan...

Number one on the retirement hit parade is now Let's Go to Prison!

Seriously! It actually sounds pretty good:

~You get a clean, dry place to sleep.
~You get three meals a day.
~You get someone else to pick out your clothes for you every day.
~You have access to the prison library for entertainment purposes.
~You can get another college degree, or two, or three.
~You can still blog with the internet access available.
~You get free medical care, compliments of the state.

Just one major dilemma... how to get there?

Now, this would seem like an easy thing to most people. Perhaps kill ex-spouse or his new bride... but I'm pretty well over that by now. Or steal the company funds... if only I worked in a place that had company funds. Ponzi schemes are probably out at this point in the game. Arson is a bit extreme... unless I burn down my own house, but then where would Vlad and the Wonder Dog sleep? Prostitution seems like just too much work and let's face it... I'm just not alluring enough anymore to attract customers. I'm too old to join the army and then desert. Shoplifting... yeah, that might work but then I'd just be shafting some other poor slob.

The biggest barrier to making this dream of going to prison a reality is that I wouldn't feel right doing something that would hurt someone else in order to get sent to prison. I'm far too nice for this scheme to work. Dang! I keep thinking about ways to get sent to prison that wouldn't hurt anyone and gosh darn it... I just can't come up with any.

But then, last month I heard about a grandfather in England who got arrested for shining a bright light at a military helicopter. (They accused him of trying to "dazzle" the pilot with the light.) That would work! I don't think it would hurt anyone to shine a light at a helicopter, would it?

Now all I need is to get somebody to fly this bad boy over my house..

I'm sure that if I could only get to prison, I could figure out a way to avoid early parole. That, in and of itself, could provide years of blog fodder.*

So, how about it... anybody else out there have any ideas for how I could go about getting into prison for my golden years?

*Of course, if only I were a real writer like Jayne, I could put this whole prison as retirement plan idea into a book or screenplay... isn't that what creative people usually do? Kind of like "Golden Girls Do Prison." In which case I could use that for my retirement plan. I call dibs!


Anonymous said...

Too easy Cat Lady. Just admit to a crime you didn't commit. I would just keep admitting to all the major crimes in your state until one sticks. A gang land hit would be a good one, because you then get street cred on the inside too and save you having those unwanted visitors when the lights go out!

Phillipia said...

They have internet access in prison???

Time for me to come out of hiding!!!

I'm with ya CatLady - I do not think I have done or could do anything bad enough to get there....but Quirky may be on to something...

V said...

oh man, this is too funny. you are so right though. people go to prisons criminals and come out lawyers, still criminals, but with degrees.

NJ Pigno said...

What about some balloon boy type of hoax- where not one gets hurt but a bunch of people get really, really worried?

Me-Me King said...

HiLaRiOuS!!! Maybe we could go together on the buddy plan.

michelle said...

I would definitely go for a white collar crime. Insider trading, money laundering, crashing a presidential dinner. Those prisons are CUSHY!

I think after a lifetime of employment and taxes, we all deserve some security in our golden years!

Sandee said...

Hire a bad guy to do the crime and you take credit for it. That way you will know all the details to be able to convince the cops. I can't imagine wanted to retire to prison though. Just saying.

Have a terrific day. :)

Phillipia said...

I like the buddy plan idea...
Prison can be our new blogger camp:)

ReformingGeek said...

Um, yeah. Have fun with Bertha, the six-foot, 300- pound lesbian prison guard, 'K?

I will come and visit you, though. ;-)

Indigo Roth said...

Hey CatLady, two words:

Presidential assassination.

Be sure to choose one that nobody's sure about; they'll spend years arguing about it, especially if you say that you're real sorry.

It'll do wonders for your blog numbers, too.

Also, don't do it in North Dakota, Minnesota, Iowa, Wisconsin, Michigan, West Virginia, New Jersey, Vermont, Rhode Island or Maine.

Else the prison plan may not be as long-term as you'd like.


nonamedufus said...

I've got a win-win for you. Rob a bank. Yep, if you don't get caught you get rich. If you do get caught you go to prison. Either way you're provided for in your old age. You're welcome.

Jayne Martin said...

What is this "real" writer silliness? You're a real writer -- and the fact that you're broke proves it. I like nonamedufus'idea. But be sure and dress in a cute little cat costume when you're doing the robberies. Preferably anything from the Hello Kitty line. Hugs, Jayne

Anonymous said...

Ah! I have the perfect idea my dear!

Start stalking and sending hate letters to Oprah. No one is more beloved than she. Well except King Obama, I mean President Obama and well they're used to those letters now.

But Oprah? She's threatening to quit her show! Doesn't she realize what THIS will do the already failing economy?

Oprah is a shoe-in to get yourself into prison, but if somebody asks me about this comment?

I know nothing!


Sultan said...

Taking your how to go to prison question seriously: first, it is important to go to Federal prison which is much nicer and better than state prison. The easiest way I can think of is to steal your neighbors mail. It does not matter whether it is valuable or not it is still a crime so you can steal their junk mail, cause little harm and spend some time in an air force camp prison.

Mike said...

Unfortunately, you have to do some kind of major crime in order to go right to prison. Petty stuff will get you fines and probation. I don't see you as the bank robbing, murdering type lol.

gayle said...

That's exactely what you should do and Jayne get together write a would become a hit movie....and I can say I knew you when.....oh can I have a staring role?!!:)

Stephanie said...

Just found you through Heaches, Hotflashes and Hormones and thought I'd leave some comment love!
Love this idea! Ha ha
Do you think you get to blog in prision?
Perhaps it's not for me.

The Old Silly said...

Hey no problem. I can get you in, and ya don't gotta hurt nobody. Stop paying your taxes. You won't be contributing any longer to our war machine killing thousands of innocent civilians all around the planet, thus alleviating Karma, and pretty soon Big Brother will throw you in the clink for tax evasion!

I charge $50 for legal advice, M.O., check, or cash please ... don't take Visa.

The Old Silly, Attorney at Large

KaLynn ("MiMi") said...

Girl! You had me laughin' so hard I had tears runnin' down my face!

Maybe some of us older than dirt ladies could just get a big house and share the expenses! Have to have yards to for all the four legged kids, but I think that would be fun!! Much better than havin to do something wrong to get the state to take care of ya! Then you have to do what they say.

Cheers, gf! =0)

Uncle Sydney 2012 said...

Believe it or not I've been thinking along the same lines.

Like you I'm a nice person,..kind'a in a way. I didn't want to hurt anybody,...even if the deserved it.

Well maybe maybe them cops that illegally tow cars away or them characters on the subway that sing along with their ipods.

Also them folks that let their dogs crap all over the place, and don't clean it up, and Santa for not bringing me that bike I wanted back in 1958!

Well okay, okay I understand now that a 'pony' might not have been practical.

I mean where the hell would I put it. Sure it would have been seriously cool for a while, but yeah it would have ended badly,..especially for the pony

So I give Santa a pass on that one.

However for christ's sakes he couldn't get me a damned bike instead?! A lousy frigg'n no frills bike!

I didn't even ask for the kind with the cool headlight, and license plate thing on the back!

Naw! Santa blew it with me big time on that deal.

The bastard left me socks, and a book about geese!!!

Bleep that stingy bastard to hell!

Where was I,..right. I'm a real nice guy.

So I spent my life working for a Pacifist Radio Foundation that didn't have much of a retirement plan.

Well they do got this diving board on the roof see, and when the 'happy' day comes the take you up there and...

Well it's that or they shoves a nice ham sandwich, a firm handshake, and a list of local homeless shelters.

So yeah how to enjoy my "Golden Years" has lately been on my mind.


Hummm, whereas it might be a reasonable idea for a swell Cat Lady like you it might not pan out for me.

I'm un-white, non-straight, broke, and have an odd attitude. So going to jail has never been a real problem for me. Indeed I've been sort of extra care not to go if ya see what I mean.

Yeah there's the free food, bed, and bar-bells, but there's also gang rape, getting knifed, and or shot by bored guards, nazis, black race nut, hispanic gangs, and just the random maniac.

So although temping I think I may have to think of something else.

Maybe I be a Forest Ranger.

I mean I 'like' trees, and I could learn to like bears.

More on this as developments warrant. said...

frigginloon: I could definitely use some more street cred!

Phillipia: Maybe Quirky will lead the way!

Natural: I guess you lose your right to vote if you're convicted of a felony... but then maybe a little election tampering would prolong my stay.

Nanodance: I'll be over to start working on the balloon just as soon as you get back from the city.

Reffie: Maybe I could just disguise myself as Bertha. If I look like a badass, maybe the bitches will leave me alone. Perhaps I should start with some tats.

Indigo: I'm in New York, so I think I'm good! And I could always write my prison memoirs to raise cash for use in the prison store.

Dufus: Bank Robber! Now that would up my cool factor. Especially if I dress like Bonnie Parker and wield a Tommy gun. Wanna be my Clyde?

Jayne: Do you think the Tommy gun will look good with the Hello Kitty outfit? said...

Quirky: Oprah must be evil because she doesn't drink Dr Pepper. We should definitely do something mean to her.

Me-Me: Maybe a bunch of us could get together and have our own cell block!

Michelle: Stalking the state dinner sounds like a plan... I think that would land me in federal prison, which I hear is much better than the NYS prison system.

Laoch: The mail theft idea sounds perfect! Especially around the holidays. And thanks for the tip about federal prison. Definitely important!

Otin: What if I don't, but just said I did? Do you think they'd believe me or do I just look too damn honest? said...

Modern Mom: If I can't blog, I'll just have to write things on regular old-fashioned paper and then sneak them out with my attorney! Thanks for stopping by!

Old Silly: I LOVE the idea of not paying my taxes. Another federal offense! Yay! (Your check will be in the mail as soon as I work long enough in the prison laundry to make that much!)

KaLynn: Women banding together is a great idea. For laughs we could always invite some of the bloggy guys over for dinner... provided their wives don't mind!

Uncle 2012: Yeah, quirky gay black men probably don't fare as well in prison. That sucks! Unless, of course, we could disguise you and take you to the women's facility with us. And condolences on the missing bike from your Xmas stocking. (Probably wouldn't have fit anyway.) Santa has a lot to answer for...

AudreyO said...

Oh goodness, I could think of a million things to do LOL.

I was on the freeway the other day, going faster than I should have been. All of a sudden I hear a siren and see the flashing lights. I was so sad...then as I moved over, he sped by. He was off to get someone else...was he coming for you? said...

Audrey: With my luck, he was sure to be after me! I wish! I wonder how many parking ticket you need before they send you to prison?

Stephanie said...

Arrrg. Prison. My worst nightmare. Well, maybe mental hospital is worse.

julochka said...

i completely spit tea all over my keyboard reading this one. you are just so hilarious. on a serious note, when things first got bad with the economy and my sister was job-hunting and not finding anything, she talked about going to prison to avoid homelessness. (thankfully, she didn't need to in the end), but her reasons were the same as yours...a roof over her head, regular meals, no difficult clothing decisions, access to the internet...

i hope that helicopter flies over and that your flashlight has batteries! :-)

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