Thursday, December 25, 2008

Note to self:

Lionel trains set up around tree... remind dog not to lick the third rail.  (Although this doesn't seem to bother the cat silhouettes.  They actually appear to be laughing.)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas with the Cat Lady

So... here it is, December 23 and not only are the stockings NOT hung on the chimney with care, the tree is not yet in the house and there are no gifts wrapped in sparkly paper.  Either this is the home of a confirmed atheist or non-Christian, or there's something dreadfully amiss.  

Or, could it be that there's something far more sinister afoot?  

Perhaps this is a move to delay the biggest holiday of the year for blatant economic advantage?  (Something only a cat lady would think of.)   

Just imagine... your friends take pity on you because you just haven't found the time to enjoy the holidays as they SHOULD be enjoyed.  You let them know that your life has been far too traumatic to let you even THINK about preparing for the holidays.   You tell them your spouse has left you, you've just quit your job, all your retirement fund just went up in smoke with the economic downturn and the electric company has just turned off your heat for non-payment of your bill.  (Never mind the fact that the spouse left 4 years ago, so that's old news, you haven't really quit your job, you never had any money in a retirement account anyway, and both the heat and cable TV are still working fine, thank you very much... a cat lady's cable would never be disconnected!)  

Here's what happens...

~Your friends come shovel out your driveway for you so you don't have to be a shut in for Christmas.  

~They stop at the pharmacy to pick up and pay for your anti-depressants so that you will be in a good mood.

~They take you to the Boy Scout Christmas tree lot to buy you the last tree available at this late date.

~They all invite you to join them for Christmas dinner.  (So you don't have to cook.)

~They ply you with free alcohol to boost your spirits.  (And even send you home with an extra bottle for the New Year.)

~They spend the afternoon stringing popcorn and cranberries for you to take home to put on your spindly Christmas tree.  (What ever you do, don't let them see the lush fir you have waiting in the garage.)

~They buy you token gifts in an effort to help you feel better about yourself.  (So you don't have to buy all those gifts and wrap them up for yourself to pretend like you have friends and loved ones.)  Meanwhile, they refuse to allow you to get them anything, as you're so emotionally and financially destitute, thereby enabling you to maintain a healthy bank balance.

~By hitting up several friends, you can amuse yourself for the entire day and bring home enough Christmas dinner pity leftovers to eat for a week.  (Or more, if you have a large freezer.)

Once the festive day is over, you can happily return to your own abode, drag the hidden tree in from the garage and begin decorating.  By this time, all the stuff in the store is on sale so you don't have to spend as much for gifts, you can get festive holiday wrap for next to nothing, your fridge is nicely stocked and the pesky relatives have all gone back to their own homes without bothering you.  You can ring in the New Year, enjoying more peace, joy and prosperity than you ever could have, had you actually followed the traditional schedule.  

Isn't that what the spirit of Christmas is all about anyway?  

P.S.  If you are a friend, or know any of my friends, this is not really about me.  Please do invite me over for Christmas dinner!

Monday, December 22, 2008

10 easy steps for becoming a crazy cat lady (without the cats)

In taking a step back to review my life as the New Year approaches, I find that I have become a crazy cat lady... without the cats.  How does this happen?  Let me enlighten you...


1.  Stop doing your dishes.... there's really no reason to do dishes until you have nothing left to eat off of.  Then you can simply polish up a fork with a your shirt tail.

2.  Always drop things on the floor when you enter your home.  Why use up extra energy to locate where the things actually belong?  Being a cat lady is all about conserving energy. Besides, that way you'll always know where everything is... in the pile just inside the door.

3.  Don't make your bed... you're just getting back into it the next night anyway.

4.  Don't bathe too often... it allows the natural oils on your skin to maintain that youthful glow.

5.  Never, ever vacuum... all the pet hair on the floor and furniture actually adds to the insulation value of your home.

6.  Don't go outside unless it's really necessary.  (For instance, like if the house catches fire.)  This keeps the warm air inside during the winter months, saving on utilities. 

7.   Don't answer the phone.  It's usually just someone who either wants to complain about something or who wants your money for some obscure reason.  Be sure you have special ring tones for individual friends you MIGHT want to talk to.  Limit yourself to three ring tones... saves on having too many people who actually know who you are.  A special ring tone for family members is especially important.  They may want to try to save you from being a crazy cat lady, so it's best to avoid them.

8.  Watch LOTS of TV.  The more senseless the program the better.  Talk shows are particularly useful for building your self esteem.  (They demonstrate how many people are crazier than you are.)  Remember, no matter how many other bills go unpaid... always keep the cable bill paid up... there are so many more possibilities for trash TV on cable than there are on regular TV.  (Although, I would also suggest paying the electric bill so you have the juice for running the TV.)

9.  Talk to yourself frequently... remember, you are your own best friend. 

10.  Always remember... there's absolutely no reason to actually have cats... simple black construction paper silhouettes in the windows will do just fine.  Much better to have a dog who will bark at strangers who try to come to the door to extricate you from your abode.  Plus, the dog is always glad to see you... cats could care less.

So there you have it... even if you maintain the facade of being a normal person in public, you too can become a crazy cat lady at home.  No one ever has to know... which makes you an even crazier cat lady than the usual one.  

Best wishes for a healthy and happy New Year!

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