Sunday, December 20, 2009

Reprise: A Cat Lady is Born

Monday, December 22, 2008

10 easy steps for becoming a crazy cat lady (without the cats)

In taking a step back to review my life as the New Year approaches, I find that I have become a crazy cat lady... without the cats. How does this happen? Let me enlighten you...


1. Stop doing your dishes.... there's really no reason to do dishes until you have nothing left to eat off of. Then you can simply polish up a fork with a your shirt tail.

2. Always drop things on the floor when you enter your home. Why use up extra energy to locate where the things actually belong? Being a cat lady is all about conserving energy. Besides, that way you'll always know where everything is... in the pile just inside the door.

3. Don't make your bed... you're just getting back into it the next night anyway.

4. Don't bathe too often... it allows the natural oils on your skin to maintain that youthful glow.

5. Never, ever vacuum... all the pet hair on the floor and furniture actually adds to the insulation value of your home.

6. Don't go outside unless it's really necessary. (For instance, like if the house catches fire.) This keeps the warm air inside during the winter months, saving on utilities.

7. Don't answer the phone. It's usually just someone who either wants to complain about something or who wants your money for some obscure reason. Be sure you have special ring tones for individual friends you MIGHT want to talk to. Limit yourself to three ring tones... saves on having too many people who actually know who you are. A special ring tone for family members is especially important. They may want to try to save you from being a crazy cat lady, so it's best to avoid them.

8. Watch LOTS of TV. The more senseless the program the better. Talk shows are particularly useful for building your self esteem. (They demonstrate how many people are crazier than you are.) Remember, no matter how many other bills go unpaid... always keep the cable bill paid up... there are so many more possibilities for trash TV on cable than there are on regular TV. (Although, I would also suggest paying the electric bill so you have the juice for running the TV.)

9. Talk to yourself frequently... remember, you are your own best friend.

10. Always remember... there's absolutely no reason to actually have cats... simple black construction paper silhouettes in the windows will do just fine. Much better to have a dog who will bark at strangers who try to come to the door to extricate you from your abode. Plus, the dog is always glad to see you... cats could care less.

So there you have it... even if you maintain the facade of being a normal person in public, you too can become a crazy cat lady at home. No one ever has to know... which makes you an even crazier cat lady than the usual one.

Best wishes for a healthy and happy New Year!


The Quirk Shop said...

Thanks for reposting this, it's a pleasure getting induced giggles so early in the day here. I particularly agree with #5, which also coincides with the saying "No outfit is complete without a few ___ hairs on it" (I left the area blank for readers to add either 'dog' or 'cat' hairs to their liking)

ReformingGeek said...

I love #9 and #10! Sometimes I really wish I had a dog to go running with me.

#4 is a good one, too. Our skin gets too dry from all that bathing!

Anonymous said...

This is soooo funny!

But are you sure it's not a list to become a Quirkyloon?

Sounds way too familiar!

Not that I talk to myself. I sing to myself, but not talk.

hee hee

Nanodance said...

Damn. I just cleaned my house from top to bottom. Don't know what I was thinking. Now I have to start all over. Wish you would have posted this sooner.

gayle said...

Feel like I know you even better now!!!

Brian Miller said...

i talk to myself often...

Anonymous said...

OMG, I think I am a friggin Cat Lady too.

rxBambi said...

Talk to yourself frequently... remember, you are your own best friend.

Yeah, I may be one as well...

CatLadyLarew said...

Quirk Shop: Yeah... do you know how friggin' hard it is to pull dog hair off of fleece jackets? I finally gave up. If people don't like me because I'm covered in golden retriever hair, then I don't think I want to know them anyway!

Reffie: I'm glad we can agree on #4, #9 & #10. These things are important! Sadly, the Wonder Dog is no longer interested in actually running. He gets about half way around the block and sits down.

Quirkster: Please feel free to substitute "Quirkyloon" for "CatLady" in the above instructions. Because I love you and would share anything with you. (Easy to do since you like diet and I like regular.)

Nanodance: I'd be happy to come help you mess it up again! It's amazing how quickly it can get to CatLady specifications.

Gayle: The truth is unveiled!

Brian: That's a good start. Now add the other 9 things and you'll be set! (But then again, maybe your family won't like that idea too much.)

frigginloon: frigginloon + catlady = recipe for disaster!

rxBambi: I not only talk to myself, but add sound effects while driving. (Just to amuse myself.)

idifficult said...

I'm there. I have arrived. So has the rest of my family. Is the floor not the right place to put things away?

CatLadyLarew said...

idifficult: Congratulations! Especially as the rest of your family has signed on as well. You've gotta train the kids while they're still young... so important!

michelle said...

Oh. My. God.

I'm more than halfway there.


CatLadyLarew said...

michelle: I know, I know... it's sad when you realize what it's all come to!

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