Sunday, August 2, 2009

Getting My Inner Wench On

"Ye Olde Knights In Shining Armor", set to defend themselves on the Field of Honor

So, I went to the Renaissance Festival on Saturday. What is it about those things that makes you want to get your inner wench on? Perhaps it comes from reading too many steamy historical novels where the "Saucy, Yet Naive Wench" wins the unwanted attentions of her "Liege Lord", only to be saved from impending moral turpitude by "Strapping Young Serf Next Door" with a heart of gold, who loves children and in his spare time volunteers for Ye Olde Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Dragons:

And before you get too many ideas about my intentions toward yonder "Strapping Young Serf Next Door", calm down! I'm not going to go into details here. Besides, it's intellectually stimulating historical research I'm doing here to teach the kidlets at school about the Renaissance! Geez!

Anyway, one simply cannot go to a Renaissance Festival without at least trying to get with the program by looking the part. I'd already done the whole princess thing last spring when I offered up my "huge tracts of land" for a cameo in the middle school's rendition of Monty Python and the Holy Grail*. (Not to mention the fact that my princess outfit is still not back from the cleaners.)

*The audience at the play was so blinded by the awesomeness of my "huge tracts of land" that they were unable to take a photo of me in said costume, so I will substitute this photo of the comely "Queen of the Renaissance" for your enlightenment as to costuming.

Since it was a little hot for the chain mail, I resorted to the wench outfit.

(Note to "Scary Dude in Horned Armor": I think we need to talk... Seriously... even if you are my Liege Lord, that outfit is just wrong!)

It was also too hot to drape myself in wool tartan plaid to honor the Highland Games that were going on. Besides, I didn't plan on tossing the cabre anyway. Throwing trees around on a hot summer day is not my idea of a good time.

I'd much rather hang out with "Weird Guy on Stilts" who's pretending he's a chick riding a horse.

But, wait! What's this I see? They're having a tournament in which one of the prizes is for skill at archery?

Since "Ye Olde Knights in Shining Armor" wouldn't let me joust, this was the next best thing.

Bring it on!

Of course, I shall have to ruin the effect of my wench outfit by wearing spectacles, which are somewhat anachronistic, but sacrifices must be made. (In the interest of the safety of others.)

After 40 years, I still have the touch!
(Although, I should really lower my elbow just a wee bit.)

I was able to slay yon dragon with my fearsome prowess!

(Please just don't let "Strapping Young Serf Next Door" find out about the dragon.)

Zounds! Here comes the local constabulary! They seem to have discerned that I've been banned for life from archery for that unfortunate incident when I was a lass. Damn my wicked step-sister for reporting me! (She's actually my regular sister, but step-sister sounds so much better in this instance.)

Alas, I'm afraid that means the loss of the tournament crown, along with the affections of "Strapping Young Serf Next Door". It also means a trip to the stocks. I'm not sure which is worse... the stocks or the dunking pond.

But, not to worry... I vow to live to fight another day! (Especially as they forgot to lock me into the stocks very securely.) After all, you can't keep a good wench down! And there are always more "Strapping Young Serfs" where that one came from.


KC said...

Serf's up....bwahahaha

Tiggy said...

I would so dress in medieval costume every day if I could. Although I don't think they'd let me take my sword on the bus.

King of New York Hacks said...

I went to one of these once...and when I bought some Mull wine the Bartender screamed HOSAAAAA for the paper tipper !!! and then all the other tendres screamed HOSSAAA too!!! Scared the crap out of me !!!

Anonymous said...

Ahhhhhh the olde Renayssance Festyvales...they warme my hart ay thy do. Thanks for all the cool pictures!

Comedy Goddess said...

It's fun to go all Renaissance once in a while.

IndigoWrath said...

You were a wench? Hmmm, interesting. There's something curiously, irresistible buxom about that word. Excuse me, I'll just go for a jog around the block and take a cold shower.

Hit 40 said...

Do you wear this outfit for date nights??? Outstanding. I need to pick up some costumes to spice things up!!

The festival looks fabulous. Ohio has one. I need to keep my eye out for it for the family.

CatLadyLarew said...

KC: BWAHAHA! You made me laugh!

Tiggy: I know, me too... and since they only bathed once a year back then, it would make getting ready for work so much faster in the morning. That, alone, would give you plenty of room on the bus, sword notwithstanding.

King of the New York Hacks: Thanks for stopping by... if I ever go for a ride in your cab, I promise not to scream HOOSSAAA!

Scott Free: You're welcome... glad I could warme thine hart.

Comedy Goddess: Oh, yeah! It offers so many possibilities!

Indigo: Buxom or not, we all have our fantasies!

Lisa/Jedi and Brendan! said...

Halloo Larew! If you should want some "large tracts of land" pics, we've got 'em (eeek!!!.... heh, heh...) -just let us know (of course Lancelot would have some evidence of his deeds). Really enjoying the blog!!! :)

JD at I Do Things said...


I've never been to a Ren Faire, but you looked like you were having a blast. Way to wield that bow! (And what is up with that guy in the armor? There seems to be rather a lot going on there.)

CatLadyLarew said...

Hit 40: I believe wench outfits are appropriate for ANY occasion! Now, if only I had a date for date night....

Miss Yvonne said...

I love ye ole' fat rolls on the dude manning the dragon ride.

CatLadyLarew said...

Lisa/Jedi/Brendan: Halloo back at ya! About those pics... you're not going to post in public are you? If you do, please post some no trespassing signs as well... I don't want just anybody surveying my huge tracts of land!

JD: Thank you for recognizing my prowess with the bow. I bet "Scary Dude in Horned Armor" couldn't match that!

Miss Yvonne: I wonder if "Scary Dude in Horned Armor" had any fat rolls under all that metal?

IndigoWrath said...

Hi CatLady,

"Huuuge tracts of land"?!

Gotta love a Python reference from an American. And done properly, too. I take back everything I ever said about misquotes.


Chrissy said...

Sure, once in a while is fun. But I dated a guy that went to these ALL the time. He even made his own costumes. I'm sorry but that was too much for me. Why couldn't he do something normal like dress up in women's clothing?

Canadian Blend said...

We have a Renaissance Fair not too far from where I live (By modern-travel standards. It's likely a day or two by horse.) I typically go for the turkey drumsticks (which always taste like ham to me) and the game of skill which allows me to throw hatchets at a wooden target.

CatLadyLarew said...

Indigo: Middle school boys think that all tracts of land are huge! I wouldn't want to disappoint with my Monty Python quotes! (My entire family used to watch Monty Python together!)

Chrissy: I know what you mean. I'm always a bit concerned about the guys who forget to leave their Renaissance Faire personae at the gate after the day is done. But I wouldn't suggest women's clothing... did you notice "Weird Guy on Stilts?"

Canadian Blend: Hatchets are far too manly for me... archery is much more of a maidenly sport!

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CatLadyLarew said...

To the kind person who commented above: I’m sorry I can’t interpret what you wrote, but I can at least say thanks for checking out my blog!

CatLadyLarew said...

Addendum to last comment... even if you are a spammer....

Winky Twinky said...

Hey CatLady: I've never had an opportunity to go to one of those, but it looks like a lot of fun... You looked great in that costume, and fit right in apparently. Thanks for sharing, it was a fun visit!

Aubrey said...

How much did your costume cost? I'm going this coming sunday and I want to know how much money I need.

CatLadyLarew said...

Winky Twinky: It's a great way to spend an afternoon! Thanks for stopping by!

Aubs: It's my very own costume... I wear it every day, didn't you notice? Stop by and I can set you up!

Organic Meatbag said...

Thost young lady's archery skills have thine giveth me chillseth down my spine and encroaching my buttocks at a feverish lady? I say not! Forsooth, you are thine royal archery wench!

CatLadyLarew said...

My Dear Sir Meatbag,

Forsooth, since I have lost the affections of yonder "Strapping Young Serf", it doth my heart grandly to hear that my prowess in archery hath attracted the attentions of another young lad. Especially one who maintains such high ideals as to keep an organic demesne.


Linda Medrano said...

I have to say: Wonderful, Winning, Winsome, Toothsome Wench! Damn! You are one amazing woman, (and wench for that matter).

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