Sunday, June 14, 2009

Gingerbread Shenanigans... or... On My Way to Mommy Jail Part 3b: "Incendiary Devices"


Okay, so it's been some time since I wrote "On My Way to Mommy Jail Part 3a: Incendiary Devices."  You've no doubt been waiting with bated breath to find out what else could go wrong.  

Actually, nothing really went wrong.  It's just that our neighbors were not amused and neighbors who are not amused can threaten you not only with Mommy Jail, but with real jail!

But, enough of the preliminaries...   
  
On with the story itself....

It all started about 11 years ago, when we had a lovely gingerbread house that we didn't quite know what to do with after the holidays came and went.  They're so pretty, you hate to just throw them out.  But then it sat around gathering dust until it was really disgusting.  Fuzzy peppermint candies on top of green (formerly white) frosting just aren't that appetizing!  Even Hickory the Wonder Dog didn't want anything to do with it by that point.

Seeing as how we had assorted firecrackers laying about the house, we decided to see what would happen if you put one, or two, or fifty of them inside it.  A harmless pastime, to be sure. 

The next year we decided to actually build the firecrackers right into the gingerbread house. Both festive and effective!  In fact, it was so festive, we felt the urge to invite a few people over to share the joy.  

The only question that remained was who would most enjoy our hospitality.  As I was teaching Kindergarten at the time, I figured the kidlets and their parents might enjoy a few pyrotechnics. (It could even count as a science experiment.) So Vlad & I decided to throw a little party between Christmas & New Years. Nothing fancy... just a pot luck dinner for a few close friends. Everybody brought something to eat and, more importantly, something to drink and the party was on!  

The first three years' parties were fabulous!  "Vlad & Larew's Holiday Soiree" quickly became a favorite amongst young and old alike... the must have invitation for the season.  People asked months in advance if we were going to be destroying another gingerbread house that year. Each successive party got a little bigger and a little better.

Then, fate caught up with us. 

That final year, the gingerbread house was exquisite and the pyrotechnic effects spectacular! We were all having a lovely time, clapping and cheering and swigging beer, when we heard the sounds of sirens in the distance.  Imagine our surprise when the sirens got 

closer 

and closer 

and closer 

and stopped right outside our door! 

People ran in all directions, trying to be the first one to gain a hiding spot in the house.  Vlad grabbed the gingerbread house and lunged for the garage to bury it under a pile of lawn furniture that had been stored for the winter.

As the flashing lights lit up the living room, our beloved guests peeked out the windows to watch not only the firemen, but the policemen wander up and down the street looking for the offending party.  One guest, who shall remain nameless, wanted to go out and explain to the kind officers that we were just having a few fireworks and that we were so sorry, no harm done.  (Damn You, Adam Uzelac!  Don't you know it looks really bad for a kindergarten teacher to go to jail because she was blowing up a gingerbread house for the personal edification of 5 & 6 year olds!)  Another parent stood in the front window, merrily taking photographs of the fire trucks. I'm lucky nobody asked the firemen if we could take pictures of all the kidlets on the friggin' fire truck! I'm seriously starting to think that all my friends are as demented as I am.

Suffice it to say that I was not arrested that night, nor was Vlad, nor were any of our guests.  It was by far the most talked about holiday party on record and will go down in the annals of Cat Lady history as the closest I've come to actually going to Mommy Jail.  However, if I had to go, I would have certainly taken the kidlets' parents with me... they were the idiots who brought their kids to the party in the first place!

And before you condemn me... take a look for yourself.  It's only good, clean fun, after all!


3 comments:

Phillipia said...

When's the next party? Count me in:)
I think a summer party would be good - early summer, so if anything goes wrong the parents have a couple months to forget about it:)

Larew said...

Dear Phillipia,

Since it's summer, maybe we could build a boat laced with firecrackers instead. And you can dip into the sacramental wine and bring that!

Sincerely,
Cat Lady

Madame DeFarge said...

Life there sounds a riot. I never knew that gingerbread houses could be so exciting.

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