Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas with the Cat Lady (reprise)

Today's HBDC Christmas Carnival entry is as applicable today as it was exactly one year ago when I first wrote it. (No, I don't learn by my mistakes.) All advice is freely given... no charge to any of you, my bloggy friends... because I'm in the holiday spirit now. So, without further ado, I give you...

Christmas with the Cat Lady

So... here it is, December 23 and not only are the stockings NOT hung on the chimney with care, the tree is not yet in the house and there are no gifts wrapped in sparkly paper. Either this is the home of a confirmed atheist or non-Christian, or there's something dreadfully amiss.

Or, could it be that there's something far more sinister afoot?

Perhaps this is a move to delay the biggest holiday of the year for blatant economic advantage? (Something only a cat lady would think of.)

Just imagine... your friends take pity on you because you just haven't found the time to enjoy the holidays as they SHOULD be enjoyed. You let them know that your life has been far too traumatic to let you even THINK about preparing for the holidays. You tell them your spouse has left you, you've just quit your job, all your retirement fund just went up in smoke with the economic downturn and the electric company has just turned off your heat for non-payment of your bill. (Never mind the fact that the spouse left 4 years ago, so that's old news, you haven't really quit your job, you never had any money in a retirement account anyway, and both the heat and cable TV are still working fine, thank you very much... a cat lady's cable would never be disconnected!)

Here's what happens...

~Your friends come shovel out your driveway for you so you don't have to be a shut in for Christmas.

~They stop at the pharmacy to pick up and pay for your anti-depressants so that you will be in a good mood.

~They take you to the Boy Scout Christmas tree lot to buy you the last tree available at this late date.

~They all invite you to join them for Christmas dinner. (So you don't have to cook.)

~They ply you with free alcohol to boost your spirits. (And even send you home with an extra bottle for the New Year.)

~They spend the afternoon stringing popcorn and cranberries for you to take home to put on your spindly Christmas tree. (What ever you do, don't let them see the lush fir you have waiting in the garage.)

~They buy you token gifts in an effort to help you feel better about yourself. (So you don't have to buy all those gifts and wrap them up for yourself to pretend like you have friends and loved ones.) Meanwhile, they refuse to allow you to get them anything, as you're so emotionally and financially destitute, thereby enabling you to maintain a healthy bank balance.

~By hitting up several friends, you can amuse yourself for the entire day and bring home enough
Christmas dinner pity leftovers to eat for a week. (Or more, if you have a large freezer.)

Once the festive day is over, you can happily return to your own abode, drag the hidden tree in from the garage and begin decorating. By this time, all the stuff in the store is on sale so you don't have to spend as much for gifts, you can get festive holiday wrap for next to nothing, your fridge is nicely stocked and the pesky relatives have all gone back to their own homes without bothering you. You can ring in the New Year, enjoying more peace, joy and prosperity than you ever could have, had you actually followed the traditional schedule.

Isn't that what the spirit of Christmas is all about anyway?

P.S. If you are a friend, or know any of my friends, this is not really about me. Please do invite me over for Christmas dinner!


Anonymous said...

Ha! Makes me want to be a shut-in CatLady too!

The only downside that I could read, was NO Dr. Pepper?

Hmm. I'll have to think about that one.

(You? Berra funny!)

Meowyn! said...

Oh, how I wish you could be here for Christmas dinner, to balance out the pesky relatives and engage in some friendly Scrabble competition! We have a fridge full of Dr. Pepper, and it's a little warmer here!

gayle said...

Wonder how many invitations you will get!!! Have a great day!!

Jayne Martin said...

Ah, you are a sinister one... I like that in a person. said...

Quirky: Dr Pepper is ALWAYS on the menu... it's the last thing to go when cutting back on things.

Meow!: The fridge is stocked? Quirky and I will be right over!

gayle: I have two so far... that's good for a start.

Jayne: Sinister is my middle name and it's working for me, so far.

Vic said...

Merry Christmas, Cat Lady!!

nonamedufus said...

That's quite a system you have there. Right on. At least there's nothing to fear about shooting an eye out. Oh, and Merry Christmas, Chester.

ReformingGeek said...

That is such great advice. You are one smart!

Anonymous said...

Good plan Cat Lady. But you forgot one important part of Christmas....regifting! You know, rewrapping (if you can be bothered) a present you got from someone and giving it to someone else.I once made it through a whole Christmas without buying a single present, I regifted the lot.

Santa Claus said...

HO HO HO! Merry Christmas from me and Otin!

I will need some meds after I deliver all of those toys! said...

Vic: Merry Christmas to you too!

Reffie: As I said, the advice is free... at least to you, anyway.

frigginloon: Regifting... even cheaper than getting things on sale! Woo Hoo!

Santa Claus: Wait! You mean Otin's got an in with you. Shit! I should have been nicer to him this year.

Indigo Roth said...

You are a wicked woman, shame on you!

*wonders if she has enough cold cuts to share?*


Michelle H. said...

Oh my! I like how your mind works!

Merry Christmas!

Sandee said...

Bwahahahahaha. I love it.

May you and yours have a very merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. Big hug. :)

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas Cat Lady and a friggin way better New Year. said...

Indigo: Totally wicked, but it's working for me! I'll save you some cold cuts!

Michelle: My mind works in crazy ways! Have a wonderful holiday! Can't wait to read more of your novel!

Sandee: Thanks for the hug! Here's one for you too!

frigginloon: Thanks for keeping me updated on all that special news that's sorta fit to print! (You're right up there with The Daily Beast as a credible news source.) Merry Christmas!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like quite the set-up, wot? Tho' I doubt I could make the takin's last a week, heh, heh...Merry Christmas kiddo! :)

Suldog said...

Wonderfully devious advice. I bow in your general direction.

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