My Dearest Fake Barbie,
I know we've never met, but I feel I know you already.
Your beauty is beyond compare. I love everything about you, from your tiny feet to your grotesquely massive boobs. Those long, lithe legs make my heart race. And your qwerty Q? Divine! That was what led me to believe we are soul mates.
Please say you will join me in the arbor I have created just for you.
I will give you my heart if you will only say, "Yes." (Regretfully, I am unable to part with a kidney for you ... I thought I should be up front about that.)
You can find me at my secret lair, located behind some boxes in my basement. (Please disregard the rather limp blow-up girl stashed in the corner.)
Come soon! I have spent too many mornings without you.
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