Spot the Difference

As many of you know, I had a little surprise before the holidays.  Turns out I had a spot of breast cancer.  People started leaving pink ribbons on my doorstep and on the windshield of my car, much to my chagrin.

You know what's worse than finding out you have breast cancer, though?  Finding out on the same day you learned you have cancer that your car has only six weeks to live!  I was far more disturbed by that cheery piece of news from my mechanic than I was about the cancer.  After all, Old Blue and I have been together for 19 years and I was hoping we'd make it to our 20th anniversary.  Alas, it was not meant to be.  *sigh*  But I digress.  Back to the whole "my car's dying but I'm not" saga...

The holidays were filled with fun activities like biopsies and MRIs and being injected with radioactive isotopes and having a freakishly long needle stuck into my boob without any anesthetic!  Not only that, they just left it sitting there, poking out a good three inches!  It was like those first aid videos where the guy has the chunk of glass jutting out of his arm and they have to pack it with gauze and bandages to keep it from moving.  Except this time they put an adorable blue face mask over the needle after they packed gauze around it.  Stylin'!

After all that, the surgery was nothing!  They took out the cancer blob and some lymph nodes, then sewed, glued and taped me back together again.  They even gave me a cute little pit pillow made by hospital volunteers to keep my arm from bumping my incision.  I was home two hours after surgery, happily doped up and mellowed out in my recliner.

Trust me... I was feeling no pain!

Now three weeks post surgery you can hardly tell I had breast cancer.  Seriously!  I defy you to spot the difference:

Yeah... I went there.

I still have some fun stuff to contend with, (like 6 weeks of radiation,) but overall it's all good.  I'm kicking cancer's butt to the curb!

Five Years and Counting...

Five years ago today I started this crazy blog thing. 384 posts later, I still enjoy writing, although I confess my frequency has diminished. Followers have come and gone, but I'm thrilled that I have developed such wonderful lasting friendships through the blog. That has been the most fabulous result of blogging. The camaraderie is at times hilarious and at other times heart warming. I've never had so many people that actually come looking for me (online) if they haven't heard from me in awhile. It actually prevents me from becoming a total recluse!

So thank you one and all... NanoDance who got me started, Indigo Roth who's been with me the longest, nonamedufus and the delightful Maryse, Jayne Martin with her size 4 ass, the hostess with the mostess Linda Medrano, Deckside Cheryl, zombie loving QuirkyQuirkster, mea culpa Meleah, Nicky the mistress of Cheese and her cohort Mike, running Reffie, caffeine-powered-dinky-dynamo Eolist Petite, the evil genius Max Tunguska, fake-Barbie-toting Katharine, Beetle Babs, Nanny Goat Margaret, bacon-filled Junk Drawer Kathy, insanity inducers Ziva and MikeWJ, Alastair and the lovely G, Unfinished Brian, Magpie Tess Kincaid. poet Brian Miller, my fellow Huff-Post 50 pal Joanna Jenkins, Blissed-Out Nancy, Surly Michelle, wannabe stripper Chrissy, Sister Phillipia, and my oldest school chum but newest blogging pal Dan Kincade. Because no woman can become a cat lady when she has friends!

Here's a look back at how it all started...

December 22, 2008

In taking a step back to review my life as the New Year approaches, I find that I have become a crazy cat lady... without the cats.  How does this happen?  Let me enlighten you...

10 EASY STEPS TO BECOMING A CRAZY CAT LADY.... 

1.  Stop doing your dishes.... there's really no reason to do dishes until you have nothing left to eat off of.  Then you can simply polish up a fork with a your shirt tail.

2.  Always drop things on the floor when you enter your home.  Why use up extra energy to locate where the things actually belong?  Being a cat lady is all about conserving energy. Besides, that way you'll always know where everything is... in the pile just inside the door.

3.  Don't make your bed... you're just getting back into it the next night anyway.

4.  Don't bathe too often... it allows the natural oils on your skin to maintain that youthful glow.

5.  Never, ever vacuum... all the pet hair on the floor and furniture actually adds to the insulation value of your home.

6.  Don't go outside unless it's really necessary.  (For instance, like if the house catches fire.)  This keeps the warm air inside during the winter months, saving on utilities. 

7.   Don't answer the phone.  It's usually just someone who either wants to complain about something or who wants your money for some obscure reason.  Be sure you have special ring tones for individual friends you MIGHT want to talk to.  Limit yourself to three ring tones... saves on having too many people who actually know who you are.  A special ring tone for family members is especially important.  They may want to try to save you from being a crazy cat lady, so it's best to avoid them.

8.  Watch LOTS of TV.  The more senseless the program the better.  Talk shows are particularly useful for building your self esteem.  (They demonstrate how many people are crazier than you are.)  Remember, no matter how many other bills go unpaid... always keep the cable bill paid up... there are so many more possibilities for trash TV on cable than there are on regular TV.  (Although, I would also suggest paying the electric bill so you have the juice for running the TV.)

9.  Talk to yourself frequently... remember, you are your own best friend. 

10.  Always remember... there's absolutely no reason to actually have cats... simple black construction paper silhouettes in the windows will do just fine.  Much better to have a dog who will bark at strangers who try to come to the door to extricate you from your abode.  Plus, the dog is always glad to see you... cats could care less.

So there you have it... even if you maintain the facade of being a normal person in public, you too can become a crazy cat lady at home.  No one ever has to know... which makes you an even crazier cat lady than the usual one.  

Best wishes for a healthy and happy New Year!

In which I get the "V.I.P." treatment...

If you know me at all, you know that I have a propensity for ending up in the hospital.  It's become almost a yearly thing with me.  2013-hand surgery, 2012-gallbladder removal, 2011-broken leg, 2010-ER visit after sliding down the attic stairs and clunking my head on the wall.  (Yes, I admit, I'm kind of a walking disaster!)  As the year draws to a close, I started thinking to myself, "Wouldn't it be great if I could get through 2014 without any medical disasters?" That would be so cool!

And then I went in for my yearly mammogram.  No big deal... no history of breast cancer in my family. I got smooshed and came home.  The Tuesday before Thanksgiving I got a call from the radiologist that they wanted me to come in for another mammogram.  The first one wasn't clear enough.

They smooshed me again and I still wasn't too concerned... until they thoughtfully ushered me into the "V.I.P. Lounge" and asked if I wanted any juice or water or anything while I waited for the films to come back.  As I sat there drinking the complimentary bottle of water, I started thinking to myself, "When they take you to the "V.I.P Lounge" and offer you something to drink, it's probably not a good thing."

It wasn't.  An ultrasound, biopsy and MRI later it was confirmed... I have breast cancer.  

But before you go and get all worried about me, I want you to know I'll be fine. Because of the type of cancer and due to early detection, I'm getting off easy with a partial mastectomy followed by six weeks of radiation.

Yeah, I'll kick cancer's butt... no problem!  Because I'm a she-woman!   I think I'll skip the pink tattoo, though.  Pink is just not my color!

Surviving the Apocalypse

She had survived the zombie apocalypse.  This year it was particularly gruesome.  The zombies had teamed up with other demons in their reign of terror.  Her advance preparations had been key to her survival.  Teaming up with friends, they fended off the merciless creatures who came at them from all directions.

For days the zombies and their minions had been working themselves into a frenzy, awaiting the moment when they ventured out into the world in search of victims.  They got them every time.  Time and time again, the fools left themselves open to the predations of the horde.

But even worse than the apocalypse was the aftermath.

The screams... the cries... the whines...

The horror!

Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of teachers more than the prospect of the sugar-induced meltdown on the day following Halloween.

Wish me luck... I'll need it.

* * * * * * * * *

For more Halloween Humor, visit the gang at humorbloggers.com

Time Marches On: A Magpie Tale

He sits on the bench, waiting for the inevitable.

There is no longer joy in his world.  That has long since disappeared from his life.  The things that used to give simple pleasures are also gone.  Waiting for something... anything... to happen has left him immobilized.  

As he contemplates his life, he believes his dreams of "someday..." are not going to happen.  He has become frozen in time, waiting to see how much time is left... and accomplishing nothing. 

If only he would just look up, raise his head to see what might be in front of him, he could forget the past and start anew.  He could make it happen.  If only he would just look up.

It doesn't take much more than a friendly voice to drown out the echoes of the past and the ticking of the clocks.  Hope remains for those who seek it.  There is still time.

* * * * * * *

Tess over at Willow Manor has been providing inspiration for bloggers with her photo prompts on a site called Magpie Tales.  Stop over to check out who else was inspired this week.

"Bob's #TEAMLAME" Day 30: Happily Ever After

It's here!  It's here!  We've finally made it to Day 30 of 30 Days of Photographs IV.  It's been a long month, but not without its rewards:

Friendship

Camaraderie

Guffaws

Groans

And then there's this:

I now have a complete bathroom!  There are still a few things left to do, but it's now fully functional. It's been a long time coming, but it's been worth it.  Seeing as how the last bathroom lasted me 27 years, this one should last me until I'm dead.  And you know what that means?

Yeah... I'm living happily ever after!

At least until next summer... when we start working on the kitchen.

* * * * * * *

Stop over at the Inferno and give a big thanks to Mike & Ziva for sponsoring this extravaganza.  (I'm sending each of them a case of toilet paper as a thank you gift.)  While you're there, check out who else is living happily ever after. 

"Bob's #TEAMLAME" Day 27, 28, or 29?: Circle

Well, I'm circling the drain here, as we slide into the last few days of this 30 Days of Photographs challenge.  And it's not a pretty drain, either.

(Hey, you asked for a circle and you got it.)

Somehow I lost my way the past couple of days.  I tried making a compass with the rubber chickens to help me find my way back to Bob, but I couldn't find my stick-on letters, so I couldn't tell which was was NSEW.

(The latest in compass roses.)

Not only that, ever since the "Two Birds, One Stone" prompt, the other chicken is in love with the plumbing.  She thinks it's her new lover and keeps humping it.  The squawking is totally making me lose my concentration.

(Yes, I've resorted to chicken porn.)

See what this challenge has done to me?  It's made me go places I vowed I'd never go.  Damn you Mike and Ziva.  

But the real reason I went AWOL from Bob?  There's only one day left before I have to live happily ever after... and a whole lot of work still to be done on the bathroom.

* * * * * * * * *

Now that I've shown you the true meaning of #teamlame, roll on over to the Inferno to see who else is circling the drain today.

"Bob's #TEAMLAME" Day 26: Rising

Coming to the end of the 30 Days of Photographs IV/Bob challenge, I feel a sense of promise.  A sense that one day, things will be as they were and all will be right with the world.

It's like the phoenix rising from the ashes of bathroom destruction.

Thank god we got Fake Barbie out of there in time!

Now go over and sort through the ashes of the Inferno to see who else is rising today.

"Bob's #TEAMLAME" Day 25: Poison

After 25 days of this 30 Days of Photographs IV challenge, we're tired, beaten down, demoralized. What's worse, "Bob" has now come to be known as "30 Days of Bathroom on Blog".  It's enough to make anyone want to drink poison.

Probably just as well that this bottle of "elixir" found buried in our living room wall was already pretty well emptied. We came across it while doing some repairs when we moved in 27 years ago. From the looks of it, it was potent enough to take out all of us.

If you have any strength left, head on over to the Inferno to see who else is trying to poison themselves today.  That's right... hurry... before you do something you might regret...

"Bob's #TEAMLAME" Day 24: Carnival

Oh, we are SO ready for a carnival at our house!  It's time to kick back, have a few beers and par-tay! We're throwing confetti and blowing horns!  Setting off fireworks!  Screaming from the rooftop! Yeah, it was a total carnival here last night.  In honor of Tolstoy, we even had Russian beer. And I bet you can guess why, too....

We still have a ways to go on the bathroom project, but at least we no longer have to run to the basement every time we have to pee.   Life is good.  Really good.  Party on!

Now go check out the party at Ziva's house to see who else is at the 30 Days of Photographs IV Carnival.