Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas with the Cat Lady

So... here it is, December 23 and not only are the stockings NOT hung on the chimney with care, the tree is not yet in the house and there are no gifts wrapped in sparkly paper.  Either this is the home of a confirmed atheist or non-Christian, or there's something dreadfully amiss.  

Or, could it be that there's something far more sinister afoot?  

Perhaps this is a move to delay the biggest holiday of the year for blatant economic advantage?  (Something only a cat lady would think of.)   

Just imagine... your friends take pity on you because you just haven't found the time to enjoy the holidays as they SHOULD be enjoyed.  You let them know that your life has been far too traumatic to let you even THINK about preparing for the holidays.   You tell them your spouse has left you, you've just quit your job, all your retirement fund just went up in smoke with the economic downturn and the electric company has just turned off your heat for non-payment of your bill.  (Never mind the fact that the spouse left 4 years ago, so that's old news, you haven't really quit your job, you never had any money in a retirement account anyway, and both the heat and cable TV are still working fine, thank you very much... a cat lady's cable would never be disconnected!)  

Here's what happens...

~Your friends come shovel out your driveway for you so you don't have to be a shut in for Christmas.  

~They stop at the pharmacy to pick up and pay for your anti-depressants so that you will be in a good mood.

~They take you to the Boy Scout Christmas tree lot to buy you the last tree available at this late date.

~They all invite you to join them for Christmas dinner.  (So you don't have to cook.)

~They ply you with free alcohol to boost your spirits.  (And even send you home with an extra bottle for the New Year.)

~They spend the afternoon stringing popcorn and cranberries for you to take home to put on your spindly Christmas tree.  (What ever you do, don't let them see the lush fir you have waiting in the garage.)

~They buy you token gifts in an effort to help you feel better about yourself.  (So you don't have to buy all those gifts and wrap them up for yourself to pretend like you have friends and loved ones.)  Meanwhile, they refuse to allow you to get them anything, as you're so emotionally and financially destitute, thereby enabling you to maintain a healthy bank balance.

~By hitting up several friends, you can amuse yourself for the entire day and bring home enough Christmas dinner pity leftovers to eat for a week.  (Or more, if you have a large freezer.)

Once the festive day is over, you can happily return to your own abode, drag the hidden tree in from the garage and begin decorating.  By this time, all the stuff in the store is on sale so you don't have to spend as much for gifts, you can get festive holiday wrap for next to nothing, your fridge is nicely stocked and the pesky relatives have all gone back to their own homes without bothering you.  You can ring in the New Year, enjoying more peace, joy and prosperity than you ever could have, had you actually followed the traditional schedule.  

Isn't that what the spirit of Christmas is all about anyway?  

P.S.  If you are a friend, or know any of my friends, this is not really about me.  Please do invite me over for Christmas dinner!


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